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Well, since everyone was kind enough to vote and tell me which story they wanted, here's the beginning of scene #2, and this time we're switching into Hector's viewpoint (the story alternates between the two brothers, but not every scene).
Hector followed Simon down the stairs and into the first lounge. As they approached the door to the salon, he could hear a number of tired, female voices bickering and gossiping. He hung back as Simon knocked on the half-open door, then followed his brother inside.
Amongst the red sofas, ladies were lounging, drinking and picking bite-sized delicacies from painted glass trays carried by small serving girls. Tall and furious, the madam strode over and hit Simon’s face with her open palm.
“What did you do to the girl?”
I've got to know, what did he do? That's a great hook at the end. I sure wouldn't put the story down at that point.ReplyDelete
Talk about describing a setting - and then hitting home with the POV - well done six.ReplyDelete
Great description with this six. I wonder what happened with the girl?ReplyDelete
I agree...great description. But oh my...I feel sorry for Simon! I definitely want more!ReplyDelete
I think I missed the voting thing... ooo the Madam - very nice but I feel I missed something - I liked the word "tired"ReplyDelete
Now I need to know what he did. Love your snippet!ReplyDelete
Great snippet here. You manage tension very well -- I'd certainly HAVE to read on.ReplyDelete
You're six sentences fell at a perfect place. And I won't tell what happens next :}ReplyDelete
Ouch! Love the description, and totally did not see that last line coming!ReplyDelete
Ooh, I want to know what he did! A good six.ReplyDelete
Oh, my! Don't piss her off. Great six!ReplyDelete
"tired, female voices bickering and gossiping" -- nice bit of characterization of the narrator!ReplyDelete
I didn't know it was possible to fit so much in six sentences.ReplyDelete
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Egad! What did he do the the girl? Nice setting the place and great writing. Super six!ReplyDelete
I KNEW the Madam would be interesting! Now what?ReplyDelete
Sounds like he has some explaining to do. Great visual imagery.ReplyDelete
Well, what did he do??? need to read more. Loved it great six.ReplyDelete
Okay, you got me. More more more, now now now.ReplyDelete
hahaha... took me a second to figure out who you are since you used a different name last time you commented ;) Yup, you better not give away what happens next! ...what do you think? Has the beginning improved (enough) since you last read it?
@ everyone asking what Simon did...
...if you've been following along (or read the SSS tab), he touched her hair which caused, well, a tantrum to say the least...
My word what a cliff-hanging final sentence. Awesome 6.ReplyDelete
What a great six and cliffhangerReplyDelete
Descriptive setting & and wallop at the end. Nice.ReplyDelete
That drew me right into the scene.ReplyDelete
Is this from a WIP?
Wonder what he did Nice 6!ReplyDelete
'Tall and furious' is fabulous in its simplicity. Terrific six!ReplyDelete
FAB hook! (And I want to go to that gathering!)ReplyDelete
Great description and the smack-then-question tied things up very nicely with tension. Any reader would probably feel compelled to continue going.ReplyDelete
Hmmm. I love how there is so much going on with the girl that we don't know or understand a the moment. Did Simon's action trigger something in her or would any action have brought on this response. Can't wait for more!ReplyDelete
Now this opens up a whole bunch of questions! Great six!ReplyDelete
I want to know what he did to the girl too!ReplyDelete
Great cliffhanger! Loved the tired bickering, gossiping voices.ReplyDelete
Such a vivid scene. Loved the description of the women. Has almost an Alice in Wonderland feel to it. Great work!ReplyDelete
Wow, great ending. The beginning of the scene is nicely done, I could picture it as I read.ReplyDelete
Great description! I want to read more. Felt like I was in that scene. Great six!ReplyDelete
Interesting reaction from the Madam--the girl went from bad to worse, from totally unresponsive to screaming fit when Simon touched her hair. Suspenseful in how the Madam means to use this and how Simon can possibly turn it around. Intriguing six!ReplyDelete
You can't stop there! Keep going!ReplyDelete
Sounds like somebody is in BIG trouble! And I think he is getting the brunt of it. Poor guy!ReplyDelete
Uh oh. I wonder if he was as shocked as I was--and what did he do to the girl?ReplyDelete
Yikes! Great snippet. Kind of feel sorry for Simon though. :)ReplyDelete