And we all ran like fucking rabbits while Jackson died alone on the linoleum floor.
Chapter 14 starts with:
The beast is stalled dead in the middle of ass-up-nowhere while French lyrics I can’t understand are pouring through the speakers with a maddeningly upbeat tempo.
...what do you think... am I managing to keep the *voice* of this character consistent?
...though I think that last sentence might be missing some punctuation... grammar check, anyone?
Looks good. It's a great voice. I love that closing sentence.ReplyDelete
it's fun to write in a voice that's so unlike my own :)
yes, good keeping with the voice. Long first sentence but I'm not sure where I'd want to insert punctuation. There is a rhythm to it...ReplyDelete
Yeah, there's a rhythm... but it still feels like it's too hard to read the first time, so it needs a few road signs (punctuation)... I'll probably end up re-writing it when I'm at the editing stage :)Delete
How about fuckin’ReplyDelete
grammar seems fine
I'm here but trying to write this thing as fast as I can
Sadly, in re-working other chapters, that line is now mid-way through chapter 14.Delete
Chapter 13 now ends with:
Even if there were no cars lining the driveway and street, like there usually were for one of Jackson’s parties, I should have known something was wrong when he opened the door that night.
...and yes, it's too long a sentence which I will eventually rectify ;)
Satta king Play BazaarReplyDelete
this is a good site.....it is a great idea to do business with a security company that has 24*7 hours monitoring