After a nights sleep and another pass, I'm pretty happy with my new 250 word beginning. Well, 251 to be exact. I think I stripped away everything unnecessary and clarified the important stuff.
Huh. 'fully adapted' jumped out at me as feeling too distant and clinical from the action. 'be used' IS more generic but might fit better; the narrator has clearly adapted already in terms of what s/he does while Triss is driving.
Yes, thank you for confirming that it needed to be changed :)
Hahaha, why for reasons of sanity?
Yeah, there's one more line that's bugging me, but I'm leaving it alone for now... I figured out an answer to the Kate-problem, so that's going to be the first thing I dive into when I get back from the dog park.
personally I preferred when it was less distant and I felt like we were in the moment. Like these lines from your old version:
"it’s not normal to have to brace your elbow against the door of a car. My feet were automatically spread as far apart as they could go to keep me balanced, and then I noticed a slice of pain in my left hand."....."I was surprised, but I still had enough sense not to let go until Triss stomped down on the brakes, hopped the curb, and the car lurched to a stop six inches from an old guy with a shopping cart."
Yeah, it did lose that more intimate feel, but with other changes to the story, I wanted to separate the moment of clarity a little from the moment of impact which jolted the MC into thinking about crazy/normal.
I agree with you though, I miss that immediacy a little :)
I really like it. It's very "now", if you know what I mean. The only thing I'd recommend editing is your use of "'cause" rather than "because". It threw me out of the story because it felt unnecessary and odd.
Hey! I hope you're doing well! I noticed a few sentences that might need to have their tenses looked at:
"When she guns the engine, I didn’t realize that my hand automatically burrows through a hole in the seat and clamps around a sharp piece of metal frame." This sentence confuses me because of the "when she guns the engine" part being at the beginning. I'm not sure if I'm just confused from the past three hours of calculus, or if it's actually confusing to me?
"I shouldn’t worry that I’m unsafe, that we could crash, burn, and die, but I am ‘cause something big hit me in the head." The tense here, I think it should either be "I shouldn't worry... but I do" or "I shouldn't be worried... but I am".
Also, not sure why "punch in the gut" is hyphenated, unless that's in reference to something I don't know about?
As always, I absolutely love the characterization and relationships between your characters!
The character hyphenates a lot of things, it's part of the rhythm of the character's voice. Things like 'what-looks-like-meat', or 'genuinely-real-Triss-smile'. I wanted a rapid staccato-like feel to the way specific things are condensed/grouped together/organized in this character's mind.
I think the tenses are fine, but I'm not 100% positive. Anyone else care to weigh in?
Huh. 'fully adapted' jumped out at me as feeling too distant and clinical from the action. 'be used' IS more generic but might fit better; the narrator has clearly adapted already in terms of what s/he does while Triss is driving.
ReplyDeleteIgnoring that very minor thing, looks awesome :)
Sure, sure... zero in on the one part that was still bugging me ;)
DeleteFixed now :p
Well, at least it wasn't bugging just you? That can be good, right....? Maybe.
DeleteI shall now resist the urge to zero on, say, the Depends and google to find out why it should be some different brand. For reasons of sanity.
Yes, thank you for confirming that it needed to be changed :)
DeleteHahaha, why for reasons of sanity?
Yeah, there's one more line that's bugging me, but I'm leaving it alone for now... I figured out an answer to the Kate-problem, so that's going to be the first thing I dive into when I get back from the dog park.
personally I preferred when it was less distant and I felt like we were in the moment. Like these lines from your old version:
ReplyDelete"it’s not normal to have to brace your elbow against the door of a car. My feet were automatically spread as far apart as they could go to keep me balanced, and then I noticed a slice of pain in my left hand."....."I was surprised, but I still had enough sense not to let go until Triss stomped down on the brakes, hopped the curb, and the car lurched to a stop six inches from an old guy with a shopping cart."
Yeah, it did lose that more intimate feel, but with other changes to the story, I wanted to separate the moment of clarity a little from the moment of impact which jolted the MC into thinking about crazy/normal.
DeleteI agree with you though, I miss that immediacy a little :)
I really like it. It's very "now", if you know what I mean. The only thing I'd recommend editing is your use of "'cause" rather than "because". It threw me out of the story because it felt unnecessary and odd.
ReplyDeleteI'm not really sure what you mean by 'now'... but thank you :)
DeleteTriss sounds wreckless and adventurous. My kinda ride.
ReplyDelete.......dhole
Awesome, as she should be ;) I love self-destructive (or recovering self-destructive) characters :D
DeleteHey! I hope you're doing well! I noticed a few sentences that might need to have their tenses looked at:
ReplyDelete"When she guns the engine, I didn’t realize that my hand automatically burrows through a hole in the seat and clamps around a sharp piece of metal frame." This sentence confuses me because of the "when she guns the engine" part being at the beginning. I'm not sure if I'm just confused from the past three hours of calculus, or if it's actually confusing to me?
"I shouldn’t worry that I’m unsafe, that we could crash, burn, and die, but I am ‘cause something big hit me in the head." The tense here, I think it should either be "I shouldn't worry... but I do" or "I shouldn't be worried... but I am".
Also, not sure why "punch in the gut" is hyphenated, unless that's in reference to something I don't know about?
As always, I absolutely love the characterization and relationships between your characters!
The character hyphenates a lot of things, it's part of the rhythm of the character's voice. Things like 'what-looks-like-meat', or 'genuinely-real-Triss-smile'. I wanted a rapid staccato-like feel to the way specific things are condensed/grouped together/organized in this character's mind.
DeleteI think the tenses are fine, but I'm not 100% positive. Anyone else care to weigh in?