Descriptions of colour, and a runaway tangent about eggs

Okay, now this is hilarious...

Now I'm curious to go back through old stories/writing and see if I've used any weird food references...

Since I'm not big on physically describing characters, the only story I can think of with (potentially) problematic descriptions is SCARLIGHT, but since I have decided on a pallet of colours for him to see the world in, if I have fallen prey to any food-comparisons, at least finding a substitute will be easy :)

Personally (in that linked article) I was hoping for a description using uncooked egg whites as a comparison... which, I feel, are one of the more disgusting things a person could eat. Actually, eggs in general I find a little creepy.

By the way, did you know that blood can be used as a substitute for eggs? Seriously... this IS going to end up in a story someday... I've been toying with AotD as an appropriate medium...

And yes my head is full of weird facts. This makes me useless at 'proper' small talk, yet it's incredibly useful at driving away people I don't want to have a conversation with.

Really? You want to tell me about the latest celebrity-fad-high-protein-diet you're on? Well, let me tell you an interesting fact about eggs and blood...

Works every time ;)

Switching voices and the first day of NaNo

My brain has been full of 'The Rules of Riding Shotgun' these past couple of weeks. I think I've read through the entire manuscript 7 or 8 times.

I re-read the start of 'Scarlight' yesterday to prepare for NaNo, and I already noticed a few things I'm going to have to watch for when swapping voices from the anonymous MC of 'Shotgun' to the cynical/bitter Jay from 'Scarlight'.

I wanted the MC to sound really anxious, so s/he has these really long run-on sentences that leave you breathless, and partially formed half-sentences (usually starting with 'and' or 'but') since I wanted to mirror Triss' car, the way it struggles to get going, but when it does, it's going fast and the brakes don't work very well. I know that's something no one's picked up in the story, and I don't care. It was there for myself, 'cause I'm, 'know, just slightly over-analytical about weird things :)

Jay, on the other hand, is really eloquent/learned, but he shifts fast between almost bored disinterest, and sharp, cutting comments/observations. He's a little unstable, but fiercely fighting to always seem in control. I'm thinking about different brush strokes when I write Jay's voice, at how different amounts of pressure and lift can completely change the depth and breadth.

The two characters really aren't that similar, and I'm pretty careful about giving characters different voices, even in their thoughts, but sometimes things leak in accidentally... and since I've spent so much time (lately) in MC's head, I don't want any of that getting on Jay. (See? MC's voice right there! I only noticed while doing a final edit/check of this post.)

Some of the 'Shotgun' MC words/phrases:

I swear
'cause
rabbit
any excessive description having to do with the heart, breathing, and/or temperature
jacked up
messed up
cranked
wired
any metaphors/similes having to do with cars/engines/driving/music
starting sentences with 'and' or 'but'
comparing normal/crazy
fight/flight instinct


Strangely enough, out of all of those, I think the "starting sentences with 'and' or 'but'" is going to be the hardest to weed out, and it'll have to be something I purposefully go back and check for.

Jay is definitely more biting/sarcastic in the way he notices things, and since he's an artist, he sees/thinks more by colour/shape/light/etc than by temperature and proximity (the MC has a really strong 'thing' about touching). Jay has a touching thing too, but it's a desire to touch, rather than an aversion.

One small thing I know now, after re-reading 'Scarlight' (well, the 15,000 words I have written of it) is where Kell lives. There was a funny, dangling little paragraph I had written at the end of the file, and I had no idea if it even belonged in the story or not, but it clicked... it's where Kell lives.

Now, of all the things I have to watch for, there are several things I know are going to be 'repeated', since they're in every story I write:

1) There's always at least one vomit reference/joke

2) There's always something about a cat (even just a reference, or something somewhat disgusting, like in 'Shotgun')

3) Tactile sensations are always very important, as is colour and temperature.

4) Now that I'm keeping that dangling scene, there's also a shower scene :) ...and if you were around back when I was first drafting 'Shotgun', you might remember that the shower scene was pretty much my favourite scene to write in the entire story. Mostly, 'cause it was funny. But maybe it was a scene only I would find funny...

5) I think the one factor that's always in any story I write, even in the short flash fiction pieces, is my characters are always missing something fundamental, something that makes them decidedly less human, or stunted, when compared to those around them. Probably my 'Shotgun' MC is missing the most (even his/her gender!), but finding the missing piece of themselves is always a very large part of their character arcs.

Jay is... hmmm, missing empathy, I suppose. He feels he's been betrayed & ditched so many times that he no longer knows how to connect with other people, and has no desire to. He's a little sociopathic when you get right down to it, but in a sad sortof way.

Yeah... I really DO write 'unlikable' characters, don't I?

Well, I'm going to walk Eva, then sit down and whack out my 1,667 words for the day.


How about you guys? Whether you're doing NaNo or not, how do you prepare to swap into the right voice of a particular story? Do you have a playlist, or re-read the last page you wrote? How do you ensure you're sticking with a character's unique voice and don't let another character's (or your own!) leech in?

Subtext makes for some interesting math

The previous posts about strong words, the benefits and dangers of implied meanings, voice, body language, and description were all a way of talking about subtext.

Now, I know this isn’t true for everyone, but I’ve read some posts/blogs where people seem to want to create a marked division between commercial and literary writing. Often one side is bad-mouthing the other.

I’ve heard ‘subtext’ thrown around like it’s a dirty word.

Subtext isn’t exclusively for literary works, for MFA grads looking down from lofty, academic heights on the commercial-lit slums.

Subtext IS showing, not telling. It’s using implied meanings, it’s using subtle word play, like when the character uses ‘I’. It’s in body language, metaphor, description, and a million other fun things that give writing depth, and make it memorable. Chances are, your favourite scenes from your favorite books are packed-full of subtext. Remember this exercise I linked earlier?

Words without subtext are dead, nothing more than the bland combination of letters. 2 + 2 will always equal 4, but with subtext, it could equal 5, 10, or 23, because the reader is bringing in that added element themselves.

Subtext brings life, it brings breath, it brings volume, it brings weight and depth.

I’ve said, oh, so many times that I am sick of hearing myself say it, that I hate writing background. I prefer to write the implication of background, hand it off to my beta readers, and go kicking and screaming into edits... adding in the absolute minimum of background information so the story makes sense.

Here’s another rough first-draft snippet from SCARLIGHT, pay attention to what I’ve bolded. Also, since we’ve talked about the use of ‘I’, pay attention to where it shows up, and where it doesn’t. What does Jay notice/describe, and what does he ignore? Think about what the implied background is. What am I saying, not directly, but through subtext about Jay, his father, Aricia, the principle, etc?

They try to call dad. Of course they do. Of course he doesn’t pick up. The end-of-day bell rings, the halls fill with bodies. I ask for a box from the office and clean my locker out. Everyone watches, lingering, whispering. Even Ari slows down as she goes by, the buckles and chains on her Coach bag catch the dull, fluorescent light and transform it into something beautiful.

When I’m done, I march back to the office and stack the school textbooks neatly on the secretary’s desk. I sit on the sofa, the leather one which is dyed British racing-green and has mahogany-stained claw legs. The box on the floor, and my bag is on my lap. I could listen to music, but I don’t. I could pull out my sketchbook, but I don’t. I sit. I wait.

They keep calling dad. He still doesn’t pick up.

Actions speak louder than words.

I’m all packed up, ready to leave if they can’t do what I asked.

There are phone calls. School is out at three o’clock. Four-thirty rolls by, the halls are empty, the secretary is long gone, but the principle is still in his office with Dreschner.

He comes out only once to ask me if I know the girl’s name.

“Pink dreadlocks, green eyes. There’s got to be only one.”

He frowns, and closes the door.

One line I really hope you paid attention to was, “Actions speak louder than words.”

Look at the placement.

It’s not in the paragraph where Jay is making his very obvious point... sitting on the sofa with his stuff in his lap, not listening to music or opening his sketchbook.

It’s after the line about his dad not picking up, then is followed by Jay saying he’s ready to go if they don’t do what he wants.

What am I trying to say by placing it there, specifically?

...hopefully, you’re getting that Jay has learned this behavior, this ‘lesson’, from his father’s own actions. I wanted to link them together, so I moved lines around so I could position it in that exact spot.

Another small thing, I don’t know if anyone got, is the line about Ari. Jay talks about ‘everyone’ in 4 words. He takes 29 to notice Ari (his ex-girlfriend) slightly slowing down, and stares hard enough to know her bag’s brand, and how light plays on the accessories.

Description, voice, subtext: it’s often in what’s not said directly, but the clues are all there, if you take the time to line them up, and that’s what I mean when I say 2 + 2 could add up to 5, 10, or 23. Some readers love hunting out subtext, others would have skimmed the line about Ari and not given it a nanosecond of additional thought.

There’s no right or wrong, but I think, as a writer, I want to cater to both kinds of reader. SO, I don’t want to mire anyone in unnecessarily convoluted words to draw attention to the subtext and bore the heck out of those who hate it, nor do I want to leave it all out and leave hungry-subtext-lovers dissatisfied. There’s a happy medium when you go for quality over quantity. Efficiency.

Choosing strong, effective words allows you to keep subtext short and effective. One word instead of ten.

Whether I succeed or not is up to the reader. All I can do is state my intention, my reasoning, and my strategy for achieving it.

This is how I like to write.

Good or bad, love it or hate it, these are qualities of my voice, as a writer.

White room syndrome: Where the hell am I?

THANKS to the 'Like a Virgin' contestants & judges for giving feedback on my entry, and I'm happy to say, I made it to the second round! Updated entries go live on July 23rd, and winners are announced July 26th.

Okay, now back to the nerdy post...

When I read, or write, I like to see where everyone is, and keep an eye on what’s going on around the characters.

Nothing gets on my nerves faster than ‘white room syndrome’, when there is almost no description of anything. I get... turned around, confused, irritated. The thing is though, you don't need huge info-dumps of description, you just need carefully inserted tidbits.

So, another look at the scene from last time, yes, I’m sure this feels repetitive, but we really only focused on body language last time, and now I want to open this up to the wider notion of ‘description’, or observation... but first, a reminder from an earlier post:

The thing about choosing strong words, is that it overlaps with voice and description. How a character views the world is going to impact the words he/she uses, and the importance he/she puts on things.

Jay, who is an artist, is very quick to notice visual information, but is less quick to pick up on other sensory information. His frame of reference is going to gravitate towards art-related terminology, anatomy, light/shadow, etc. He is also arrogant, and entitled, so his focus is self-centered, and his actions self-serving. He can be very manipulative when it comes to getting what he wants.

I also mentioned that you should keep in mind things like emotional/physical/psychological state, how the character views the other people in the room, what his/her goals/desires are, etc.

(Small aside, since I don’t want to write another post: everything I’ve said also holds true for writing dialogue, and ensuring each character’s voice sounds unique)

So now, here’s the scene again:

Kell pauses at the doorway, one hand lingering on the frame. Only her eyes move, sharp, careful, absorbing everything.

Finally, she steps across the threshold. “You weren’t kidding.”

“No.” The word doesn’t come out as firm as I wanted it to. Maybe because I was holding my breath.

She glides through the mess, the stacks of oil pallets, the boxes full of smaller boxes, full of unmixed paint, oil, plaster, and turpentine. She doesn’t hesitate, she doesn’t shy away from the precariously balanced piles, she turns and moves with confidence, like in the couple seconds she looked over the room, she memorized the placement of every bolt of fallen canvas and protruding frame.

It’s not logical, but she does it. I pull the door closed, gently.

“Where do I sit?”

I fumble forward, bang my knee, stub a toe, but I get to the canvas. I heft the green three-legged stool over my head so I can maneuver it over to the window without knocking anything over. The afternoon light is still good, enough to sketch by, anyway.

She runs once finger over the seat. “Retro.”

My face gets hot. “It’s... it was my grandmother’s piano stool.”

“Ah, that’s why it’s so short.”

She doesn’t sit, she doesn’t flop, she alights. That’s it. That’s the movement I want to capture. That effortless grace she can’t hide with ripped Ed Hardy shirts and faded pink dreadlocks. But I’m not Pollock, I don’t capture movement, I want light. Her light.

I pull the canvas from my easel and prop a large two-foot-by-three-foot newsprint sketchbook in its place. The old mug with charcoal is on my left, and I grab a piece without my eyes leaving Kell. I don’t want to waste a moment of looking at her.

She sits still, but awkwardly. Her hands squished between her knees, palms pressed together inside the sleeves of her butterfly print hoodie, shoulders drawn inward. Her chin is up, eyes bright and defiant, an odd juxtaposition with her closed-up body language. She’s not looking at me, but at the door. She’s motionless, but you can almost see the desire to move slowly building up inside.

The light on her skin is deep amber, the same color as the flecks in her green irises, and the shadowed areas rich coffee with cream. The lines of her eyes are exotic, almond shaped, though it might be the heavy black makeup that’s making a connection to Egyptian kole. 

Almond, maybe that’s actually the color of the flecks in her eyes, not amber. More red in the mix than yellow. No, too much red. Hard to tell in this light. Later, next time, I’ll get closer.

Her roots are espresso dark, the hot-pink pink faded to the flush ripeness of a peony. There are no highlights or shadows. Light gets tangled in her dreadlocks, Escher-maze knots of intertwining color and light. A Japanese woodblock print of a tatami mat, Van Gogh’s haystacks, an entire season of fields in Carl Schaefer’s ‘Ontario Farmhouse’. Repetition of pattern, but not uniform. Not consistent. How to bring out the texture with minimal detail, to not lose the blurred light?

Hoodie, always in a damn hoodie, or long sleeved layered shirts. 

Hard to see, can’t get the shape of her body lines. Subtle curves, no straight lines. Breasts? There, small. Fits with the lithe muscle and low BMI.

Ten, no, maybe twelve pages already. Hands work fast, breath shallow. The familiar ache of desperation to sketch quickly, to capture everything before she moves.

A memory flits through my head, sketching robins on the grass. Pause, hop, then the whip-quick dive of their beak into the lawn to snatch a worm. Pause, wings flip out, legs bend, and an instant later, in flight.

One second to note and render the pose, maybe two. Fast, work faster to catch it before it’s gone.

Then there’s a double-fisted bang at my door. 

I jump.

I breathe.

I wasn’t breathing until now. Not enough. I’m lightheaded. Blink, breathe. Eyes are dry. Hands, still moving?

“Jay, X-Box!”

Damn it. It’s Donovan.

Most of the description I used should make sense, right? He’s an artist, he’s going to break her down into anatomy, what he can see, colors he knows, lines, shapes, shadow and light. The deeper his concentration, the less ‘person’ he sees, merely the sum of parts he’s reproducing in every stroke of charcoal on paper. 

I also wanted to ‘paint’ an image of his workroom in as few words as possible, rather than have thick paragraphs detailing everything in there, and how it was set up.

The robin wasn’t only a vehicle to highlight Jay’s fear, and give me a way to describe Kell’s body language without being too repetitive, the robin also gives history (he’s been sketching/drawing for a long time, and in much more informal settings, possibly for fun, rather that for ‘art/work’), it also introduces the idea of how difficult it is to capture/reproduce a moving target/model.

In life drawing classes, it’s normal to do 2, 5, 10, 20 minute poses, where it’s expected the artist will include a fair amount of detail, but it’s also normal to do 30 second, 10 second, and even 2 second poses to train the eye, hand, etc. to move faster, to be more accurate, to break down/replicate from a glance, rather than a prolonged study.

Like flash fiction forces you to use words efficiently.

From experience, I can also tell you that, when doing 2 second poses, you pretty much stop breathing you’re concentrating so hard. Everything falls away, you go into a trance. After a five+ minute stretch of 2 second poses, when we’d break, I’d be lightheaded, I’d see spots, or be unable to focus. Often I’d need to walk, or shut my eyes for a minute.

Every speck of your energy goes into focusing, and you get disoriented when jolted out of it.

You, as the reader, tell me. Was I able to convey that in the scene through the description?

So, what about your characters? What are they passionate about, what are they obsessive about? How does that change their perception, what they notice, and what flies by, unobserved? If your character is into music, he/she would probably notice/think in sound, rather than visually, so what would their ‘memory’ of the robin on the grass be? What aspects of that same scene would lock into their head for 5, 10, 20 years?

See how a single image, a robin, can serve multiple purposes? 40 words about a robin. That’s a lot to pack into very few words. I’m making use of many techniques to push subtext, and by using so few words, it’s actually stronger because you can return to it, again and again, without it feeling like an info-dump.

To spin a basketball on your finger, you only need to touch it a couple times to keep it there, to keep it moving. The better you are, the more it looks completely effortless.

You can get a lot of impact out of a few words, if you choose them carefully, and specifically because they suit your characters.

Can you 'see' the body language?

Fair warning: the next few posts are going to be long because I'm using large chunks of text for examples. Reminder: they are all first-draft, so are subject to change.

You’ve already seen part of the scene I’m going to use today, so first I’m going to show you how I could have written it, but without touching a word of the dialogue, or changing what happens:

Kell stops at the door of my workroom and looks around at the mess.“You weren’t kidding.”

“No,” I reply.

She walks in, and I shut the door.

“Where do I sit?” Kell asks.

I pick up the stool and put it by the window, where there’s good light.

She touches the seat. “Retro,” she says sarcastically.

I’m embarrassed, and a little angry.“It’s... it was my grandmother’s piano stool.”

“Ah, that’s why it’s so short,” she says, and sits down.

I put a big newsprint sketchbook on the easel and start drawing with charcoal.

Kell is beautiful. She’s got dark, Middle-Eastern skin and almond shaped green eyes. She’s wearing lots of eyeliner and mascara. It’s hard to draw the texture of her pink dreadlocks, which are growing out, so there are dark roots.

It’s hard to draw her body because she’s wearing a baggy hoodie.

Since she’s here, and I don’t know if I’ll have another chance, I draw a dozen sketches as fast as I can.

Now, here is how I actually wrote it, I hope the bolded bits aren’t too distracting.

Kell pauses at the doorway, one hand lingering on the frame. Only her eyes move, sharp, careful, absorbing everything.

Finally, she steps across the threshold. “You weren’t kidding.”

“No.” The word doesn’t come out as firm as I wanted it to. Maybe because I was holding my breath.

She glides through the mess, the stacks of oil pallets, the boxes full of smaller boxes, full of unmixed paint, oil, plaster, and turpentine. She doesn’t hesitate, she doesn’t shy away from the precariously balanced piles, she turns and moves with confidence, like in the couple seconds she looked over the room, she memorized the placement of every bolt of fallen canvas and protruding frame.

It’s not logical, but she does it. I pull the door closed, gently.

“Where do I sit?”

I fumble forward, bang my knee, stub a toe, but I get to the canvas. I heft the green three-legged stool over my head so I can maneuver it over to the window without knocking anything over. The afternoon light is still good, enough to sketch by, anyway.

She runs one finger over the seat. “Retro.”

My face gets hot. “It’s... it was my grandmother’s piano stool.”

“Ah. That’s why it’s so short.”

She doesn’t sit, she doesn’t flop, she alights. That’s it. That’s the movement I want to capture. That effortless grace she can’t hide with ripped Ed Hardy hoodies and faded pink dreadlocks. But I’m not Pollock, I don’t paint movement, I want light. Her light.

I pull the canvas from my easel and prop a large two-foot-by-three-foot newsprint sketchbook in its place. The old mug with charcoal is on my left, and I grab a piece without my eyes leaving Kell. I don’t want to waste a moment of looking at her.

She sits still, but awkwardly. Her hands squished between her knees, palms pressed together inside the sleeves of her butterfly print hoodie, shoulders drawn inward. Her chin is up, eyes bright and defiant, an odd juxtaposition with her closed-up body language. She’s not looking at me, but at the door. She’s motionless, but you can almost see the desire to move slowly building up inside.

The light on her skin is deep amber, the same color as the flecks in her green irises, and the shadowed areas rich coffee with cream. The lines of her eyes are exotic, almond shaped, though it might be the heavy black makeup that’s making a connection in my brain to Egyptian kole. 

Almond, maybe that’s actually the color of the flecks in her eyes, not amber. More red in the mix than yellow. No, too much red. Hard to tell in this light. Later, next time, I’ll get closer.

Her roots are espresso black, the hot-pink dye faded to the flush ripeness of a wilting peony. There are no highlights or shadows. Light gets tangled in her dreadlocks, Escher-maze knots of intertwining color and light. A Japanese woodblock print of a tatami mat, Van Gogh’s haystacks, an entire season of fields in Schaefer’s ‘Ontario Farmhouse’. Repetition of pattern, but not uniform. Not consistent. How to bring out the texture with minimal detail, to not lose the blurred light?

Hoodie, always in a damn hoodie, or long sleeved layered shirts. 

Hard to see, can’t get the shape of her body lines. Subtle curves, no straight lines. Breasts? There, small. Fits with the lithe muscle and low BMI.

Ten, no, maybe twelve pages already. Hands work fast, breath shallow. The familiar ache of desperation to sketch quickly, to capture everything before she moves.

A memory flits through my head, sketching robins on the grass. Pause, hop, then the whip-quick dive of their beak into the lawn to snatch a worm. Pause, wings flip out, legs bend, and an instant later, in flight.

One second to note and render the pose, maybe two. Fast, work faster to catch it before it’s gone.

I'm not going to bother with description, I mostly pulled out the words/phrases that imply state of mind, things that aren’t being said, but are important. You’re going to see this scene again in the next post, which will focus on description.

Kell, if you notice, constantly pauses/holds still, then moves quickly, but confidently. She doesn’t speak much, but from the way she moves, it should be clear that she thinks her options through before making a decision, and then acts on it without hesitation. She commits. She is not afraid, or self-doubting. Even though she’s a guest, even though this is her first time in Jay’s house, even though she is the model (passive) to his artist (active), she is the one in control, both of herself, and of the situation. She can get up and leave anytime she wants, and Jay is acutely aware of that fact, even though it’s never stated.

The robin description at the end builds on Jay’s impression of her, which is why he is moving/acting the way he is. Look at the words I bolded.

Is it obvious enough, how afraid he is that she’s going to leave? She has all the power in this scene. He’s scrambling to gather crumbs as quickly as he can, and getting frustrated. You may have noticed that I deliberately changed the rhythm of the writing as Jay starts sketching, hopefully illustrating how, as he starts to concentrate, he’s shutting everything unnecessary out... yet, that’s when I bring out the robin. Why? Because his fear is subconscious, and ingrained/interwoven with his painting.

When we are overwhelmed, we often concentrate on things that seem silly/unimportant, because we need to focus on something that we have control over, or that we could have control over. The difference between ‘risk’ and ‘uncertainty’.

I also repeat ‘ideas/impressions’, without reusing the same words. I remember in university, a professor told me, if you say something once, nine out of ten people will forget what you said. Say it twice, and maybe four or five will remember it. Say it three times, and nearly everyone will remember.

The trick is, how to say something three times without it being obvious that you’re doing so. 

This is especially noticeable with body language. I know I actually count how many times characters shrug or roll their eyes.

How many times, in how many ways did I ‘show’ that Kell is thinking about leaving, or that she isn’t keen on the idea of staying? The primary vehicle I used was her body language, but if you notice, half of it was directly what she was doing/not doing, but the other half was how Jay was responding to her body language, without being consciously aware of it.

The story is in his voice. He’s the one overlapping the image of a wild bird onto Kell. He's 'choosing' the words to describe how he sees her.

One further note on body language... 99% of the time, people are unaware of their own body language, unless they are doing it deliberately. Like, smiling to put someone at ease, or when they catch themselves doing something, like a nervous tick. We notice other people’s body language, and our brain registers it, but most of the time, we don’t consciously think about what it implies.

I deliberately inserted how Jay notices that Kell moves easily/confidently through the room, then in the very next paragraph, he fumbles/stumbles... in his own space, which he should be intimately familiar with. He notices his own clumsiness, but doesn’t think about ‘why’.

Just like he notices he was holding his breath, but doesn't think about it any further, then immediately closes the door gently/quietly when she finally does go into the room.

What implications can you glean from that? About Jay, and about Kell?

Since our brains are used to picking up on body language, but normally we don’t analyze/process it consciously, it’s a great way to subtly get across a character’s emotional state without telling the reader, “she is comfortable/confident”, or “he is anxious”.

BUT, when a character is always thinking/noticing their own body language, it comes across as manipulative.

Like, the example of smiling to put someone else at ease. They could be smiling because they notice the other person is nervous, or they could be doing it so the other person will drop their guard and they can take advantage of them.

Think about the body language you use... what does your character notice about the people around him/her, and how much? Does he/she ever jump to the wrong conclusion based on what he/she sees? Also, what of his/her own body language? When is he/she actively aware of what he/she is showing, and why?

Depending on a character’s background, they might be more inclined to pay attention to some kinds of body language, like kids who grew up in abusive homes, or with parents who are/were addicts, are highly skilled at recognizing the subtle signs of oncoming violence, anger, etc.

Someone who knows martial arts, or other athletic skills, will recognize, and make judgements, about people simply on how they stand or move, similarly to how, someone who is very into fashion, will make snap judgements based on whether someone is wearing ill-fitting clothes, or someone who has struggled with their weight will be sensitive to other character’s BMI, what they are eating, etc.

Jay only consciously notices the physical, what he would recreate on his canvas, but he unconsciously notices much more, and is reacting to it without realizing.

So, what is important to your character, and how could that figure into what they directly notice, and what they instinctively react to?

The notion of 'I', objective vs. subjective

Sorry to anyone popping over from the 'Like a Virgin' contest, but I had already pre-scheduled a series of nerdy posts to go up, and this is number... 5? of 9? Something like that.

For those interested, they're posting the accepted submissions today, so jump over and critique away!

(and shred mine to bits. seriously. go for it. they cut out any personal stuff in the queries, but anyone hanging around here for a while should know which one is mine.)


Let's get into 'Voice' today.

I've already nerded-out on this topic in the past, like the one about emotional intelligence (which you might want to click/read after finishing this post), another one on obsessions, and another on decision making.

A couple weeks ago Carol Riggs linked another post about toxic personalities.

Sarah Fine also has some great psychology-based posts. I am going to re-read her series about trauma before returning to give ‘TRoRS’ another hard look/edit.

One reason I’ve heard people get annoyed by first-person narratives is the over-use of ‘I’.

Now, here’s my theory/perspective on using ‘I’, which I have never read/heard anywhere else... so, 100% opinion. Okay? Pitchforks down, grains-of-salt on hand?

1) ‘I’ personalizes an experience, so there is conscious/unconscious recognition within the character that they are filtering the world/experience through their own, unique point of view.

‘I’ = subjective.

Make sense?

So, not using ‘I’, implies objectivity.

To compare:

I think you are being an ass.

vs:

You are being an ass.

Why am I making this distinction? Because I think the level of self-awareness is the base of every ‘voice’.

Does the character believe themselves to be objective, or subjective? Which leads to:


2) ‘I’ takes/assumes responsibility for an opinion, rather than stating the ‘correct answer’.

Now compare:

I think plan ‘B’ is best.

vs:

Plan ‘B’ is best.

Depending how self-aware your character is, they may believe their view is completely objective. They would rarely use ‘I’ when describing the world around them, or the people they interact with. They would state, with confidence, this is the way things are.

In contrast, characters who are full of self-doubt, or who are deferring to another character, will inevitable tag on, ‘I think’, to clarify that they are not 100% correct.

Did you notice I did that earlier in this post?

I was intentionally clarifying that I do not believe I have ‘the answer’, I only have ‘my opinion’. There's a very good reason I never create posts with titles like, "The five ways to write better characters", because the connotation is that I have 'the answer', and even though I was in marketing (or perhaps, because of it), I always want to make sure the words I put out there are as true as I can make them.

Now, a character is not going to use ‘I’ every time, for everything, nor will they never use it. The question is, when are they confident, and when are they not?

If you are trying to correct someone’s behavior, whether it’s a boss correcting a subordinate, or a parent correcting a child, it’s a well known tactic that personalizing the bad behavior offers the highest chance of success.

What you said hurt me.

vs.

What you said might hurt someone.

The stakes are higher when they’re personal.

So, how does this figure into writing characters?

Here’s Jay, who is a famous artist at seventeen, ‘telling it like it is’ about his Art class. (Remember, ALL first-draft material) Note, there’s no use of the word ‘I’ anywhere in the first two paragraphs. In his mind, he is being completely objective:

Two girls are dabbing botched watercolor paintings with paper towels by the sink. One guy is trying to sculpt a naked women out of clay, but the disproportionately giant breasts are making it top-heavy, so it keeps keeling over at the waist. A group of girls are sitting on the desks by the window flipping through magazines, and someone else, can’t tell if it’s a guy or girl, is asleep on the floor next to the kiln. This class is a joke, full of stoners, slackers, and girls who think henna and nail art is hot shit.

Dreschner is at his easel, taking up in the only good patch of natural light in the entire room. He’s working on his own neo-modern-bullshit, which looks like several mass-produced IKEA prints threw up on his canvas.

Same scene, a little later. Note: Jay only uses ‘I’ when he’s doing something on purpose (and I will probably take out a couple of them during editing):

Around me, everyone starts moving. I yank my headphones off and catch the last reverb of the dismissal bell. Dreschner stays at his easel, a brush impotent in his hand as the classroom clears. 

I tear the page out of my sketchbook, ball it up, and whip it across the room, but miss the garbage can by a good ten feet. Dreschner doesn’t even twitch, not from my bad throw, and not when I slam my bag on the desk and shove in my sketchbook and headphones. I snag a peek at his canvas as I walk by. There hasn’t been a new stroke of paint on the thing in ages, but three times a week he sits at that easel for two hours, in the only good light, with a fully loaded brush in his hand.

Glad I’m not the only one going through a dry spell.

“See you Monday, Jason,” Dreschner calls. He sounds distracted, tired.

Washed up, maybe. Those that can’t do, teach. Isn’t that the saying?

Now, theoretically, how would this scene look if I re-wrote it from Mr. Dreschner’s perspective...? Or another student? If Jay wasn’t famous, again, I’m sure this scene would be completely different. 

Think about Jay’s conclusion in the first paragraph. Looking at his classmates, is it fair to believe they’re all stoners & slackers? Sure, maybe the kid sleeping is a slacker, or maybe he's tired 'cause he was up studying late. What about the girls with the watercolor paintings? Are they slackers, and, if they are over by the sink, can Jay even see enough of their paintings to know they are 'botched'?

Now, as a reader, did you think about whether he was *correct* about his assertions while reading that paragraph, or only now when I brought it up? And what about his view of the teacher, Mr. Dreschner? Do you believe Jay is right? Since Jay’s entire self-worth is tied into being an artist, do you think that’s playing into the way he sees his teacher?

Strong words, and blah ones

One quick thing before we start:

For those brave souls who are going to submit, let's stick to the usual 250-ish words, and your piece will go up the week of the 23rd after these nerdy posts are over and done with. I already have 2 in my inbox, so those that want in, get in while you can. After the series is over, I'm closing it down :)

A while back, I wrote a guest post for a site that no longer exists on the implied meanings of words.

I don’t really want to repeat what I’ve already said in that linked post, so let’s pretend you’re all interested enough to have clicked the link, and read it before returning here, and focus on moving on.

You don’t actually have to read it ;) It’s more that I’m trying to consolidate (potentially) relevant information, and someone in the industry recently posted about the same thing. Her annoyance of 'flowing hills' is like mine when an author uses 'bloated' to describe a sharp, pointed, metal knife.

The thing about choosing strong words, is that it overlaps with voice and description. How a character views the world is going to impact the words he/she uses, and the importance he/she puts on things.

This is precision. Instead of a vague word that could relate to any character, you're narrowing the field to one specific to your character.

Jay, who is an artist, is very quick to notice visual information, but is less quick to pick up on other sensory information. His frame of reference is going to gravitate towards art-related terminology, anatomy, light/shadow, etc. He is also arrogant, and entitled, so his focus is self-centered, and his actions self-serving. He can be very manipulative when it comes to getting what he wants.

We all know the usual ‘weak’ words to avoid, ones like ‘walk’ or ‘run’. Stride, skip, slink, skulk, saunter, these are all better words that give a much more visual description of how a person could cross a room, perhaps they even give you different ideas of emotional state, age, purpose, etc.

What does 'walk' give you? Not a whole heck of a lot.

I think visually (yes, you know this), so this might be easier for me to do naturally. I’m not really sure how to teach someone how to think visually, but I suppose a few things I try to keep in mind are:

What is the character’s emotional state? Physical state (hot/cold/hurt/tired)? Is their goal/desire in front of them/in the room, or elsewhere? If elsewhere, what, in the room, is the biggest influence on the character’s emotional/psychological state? How does the character see the people around him/her (enemies? friends? frenemies?) Does he/she care what they think of him/her? If the character was an animal, what would he/she be?

Does that last one sound weird? Perhaps, but I often use animal characteristics to draw from in terms of moment/behavior/etc. Animals we are familiar with can be very powerful ‘short-hand’ to imply many things about a character, their state of mind, their moral/ethical state, etc. You’ll see an example in a later post how I use a robin.

Now, vision is only one of the senses... so, strong words will hit the other senses as well, but be careful. Like, if you read that linked post, you would never think to use a ‘sound’ word to describe something ‘visual’, right? ...there is a correct answer here ;)

...and I often say, that any good vomit reference should make the reader a little sick to their stomach. 

Here’s a quick set of words, with similar meanings, progressing from weak to strong:

Hit, attack, assault.

So, why is assault stronger than attack?

Because ‘assault’ has the added meaning of ‘rape’, so it implies, not only a physical attack, but an emotional/psychological attack as well.

So, if you wanted to use a strong word to describe your character being bombarded, verbally, you would want to ask yourself, do I want the added implication bagged up in ‘assault’, or should I stick with ‘attack’? Well, that would probably depend on your character’s state of mind, and what the verbal bombardment was about.

Say, it was a woman who had just miscarried, and someone knocked on the door to survey her about abortion, or starving children dying in Africa, or giving money/support for babies born to alcoholic/drug addicted mothers... well, that might feel like an assault rather than an attack because of the personal/emotional aspect.

If, instead, your character is a middle-aged bachelor... you could stick with ‘attack’, or even downplay it further because there’s likely not a huge emotional connection between him and the subject matter, so rather than take it personally, he’s probably just shut the door and forget it even happened.

The thesaurus is your friend, just don’t blindly accept one of the suggested counterparts... check the dictionary function, pay attention to all of the meanings, not just the first one on the list. Words carry baggage, and even though we don’t routinely read the dictionary, because words have different meanings, we associate them with other contexts, and we bring that chain of knowledge with us when we read.

One misused word can have unintended repercussions.

Kicking the ass of kick-ass female characters

I know it's an old post, and I'm sure many of you have already familiar with it, but I just stumbled across this a few days ago and it's been on my mind ever since.

Please, if you haven't read it, go read it now before you continue because I'm not going to bother quoting large chunks of text.


I'm delighted to have regained enough stability in my own brain to read again, and in the last three days, I've torn through 4.5 books, three of which have kick-ass female main characters.

As in, they 'literally' kick a hell-of-a-lot of ass during the course of the book.

But looking at the 'figurative' kick-ass side of things, they sit at varying points on the whole "strong character, female" scale.

Total number of villains defeated does not a strong character make :)

In keeping with my policy of avoiding negativity, I'm not going to give you the names of the books, or the characters.

After all, I'm not interested in putting down things that I personally don't like, when I know lots of people do like them, and the authors worked long and hard to see their work published.

My opinion is only that. Mine.

Three of the books I've read are very similar: fantastical world building (meant as an umbrella term, including, but not limited to: magic, alternate world, steampunk, alternate history, dystopian, etc), clear villains with clearly evil intentions, each female is "amped-up" in some abnormal/extraordinary way, each female character is involved (to varying degrees) in a love-triangle with a 'good boy' and a 'bad boy', each is described as beautiful, and each wears a lot of pretty/interesting clothes during the course of each book.*

All three are also first books in popular series (I admit, I haven't checked to see if they are all trilogies/etc).

If we roll out the familiar notion that there are no 'new ideas', only recycled ones, these three books make a good example, because so many of the basic elements are the same.

I'm sure most of you are familiar with the Bechdel test? To pass/fail, the basic three criteria are:

1) If a work of fiction has 2 or more (named) female characters

2) If they talk to each other

3) If they talk about something other than a man

I'd like to throw another few criteria into the pot to determine whether a a female character is a "kick-ass female character", or a "kick-ass character, female":

1) If there isn't a specific comment/line about how the FMC (female main character) has never gotten along with, nor ever had any good female friends in the past

2) If she doesn't insult/belittle/put down 'regular' girls (as in, the ones she couldn't/doesn't get along with), often specifically referring to them as 'silly', or otherwise insulting their intelligence and choices (most notably, marriage)

3) If she doesn't feel an immediate kinship with the one other female character who is somehow 'different' from 'regular' girls.

4) If another (beautiful) female character vying for one of the FMC's love interests isn't deceitful, wicked, vain, a liar, or somehow morally corrupt and/or in league with the villain.

5) If the description ratio regarding the FMC's clothes isn't vastly skewed when compared to description of any other person, place, thing in the entire story

6) If the first introduction of male characters (notably, love interests) isn't dominated by physical descriptions of how attractive (physically) they are

7) If, during those introductions, the FMC's first thoughts aren't primarily about her own appearance and whether or not she's looking her best

8) If she can interact with either male lover, for any duration of time, and think more about his inner/good qualities than his outer/physical ones

9) If she can keep her mind on defeating the bad guy without being constantly distracted by a male love interest taking his shirt off (or some variation of that point)

Do those sound like reasonable things to look for? I can't tell you how many of these show up in YA novels, and let me say now that one of the three books failed on every single one of these points.

Now, I'm not saying books should never include any of these things, what I am saying is that when the main female character of a book spends more time thinking about her clothes, her men, and her appearance than anything else (especially saving the world), then it's time to have a good, hard look at whether that can be considered a "kick-ass character, female", or a "kick-ass female character".

What do you think about this subject? Do you agree with my criteria or not? Do you have any to add of your own?



*small, additional note: these characters almost all have amazing healing abilities so their perfect faces aren't permanently marred while they are kicking (literal) ass. Only one received permanent scars, but notably, not on her perfect face :)

Okay, NOW I'm back...

Until Thursday at least ;)

Thankfully, the furniture was delivered (with one major hitch), and I managed to get on a ferry last night (though 4 hours later than I intended). It was nice to sleep in a real bed again :)

While waiting around, I managed to get an almost-5,000-word-writing-day in yesterday, though I'm still about 12,000 words short of where I *should* be according to the NaNo schedule.

Half-insane with exhaustion, I managed to complete the crow-goddess scene I posted (part of) a few days ago and get a little further while on the ferry home last night. This isn't all of it, but I'm starting to get a handle on the temperament of the gods/monsters in this story, and I think this crow goddess is going to be a larger part of the story than I originally intended.

Right now though, too much of my own voice is coming out in the writing... a natural product of being overtired. The whole thing feels too distant, which I know is something I struggle with as a writer, this tendency to add too *adult-a-voice* in the wording/descriptions/etc... which is something that distinctively separates YA from adult stories.

I find it to be very difficult work, to go in and rip apart scenes like this to create a better connection between reader and characters. I think that's probably the biggest change between a fresh first-draft, and the single editing-pass I always make before handing it off to my CP's/beta-readers.

With heavy footfalls, Komil ran through the snow and stopped at my side. He bent low, using his spear to prop himself up as he tried to catch his breath. “Those bastards,” he exhaled the words between gasps, “attacking you out of nowhere.”

Mica circled around and fell on the birds I had cut, his teeth tearing the wings from their bodies as he devoured them.

The birds in the tree grew louder, their sharp sounds of displeasure resonating through the trees.

“Little human,” the crow lady spoke, “you would try to make a god?”

***

I wasn’t sure how to answer the crow goddess’ question. Yes, wasn’t right, but neither was no. To say it was a mistake, or an accident seemed vulgar, or blasphemous.

Komil was no help at all. He just shrugged, but kept the bow ready and an arrow notched.

Mica had already eaten the crows I had cut down, and was now ripping apart the ones Komil had shot. His paws held the arrows still as he crunched through their rib cages, then pulled their bodies free of the wooden shaft with a swift shake of his jaws.

“I’m sorry.” It was the only thing I could think to say that I truly meant.

A few crows spread their wings and slid through the air to a lower branch. I was starting to see it, how small groups of movements within the flock could nearly mimic the body language of a single crow.

“For what?”

I nodded at Mica. “For killing part of you.”

Clusters of wings beat the air, but not a single black body rose to flight. Their sharp claws held tight to the knotted bark, their heads turning left and right. They watched me with a hundred single eyes, but the intensity of their gaze felt like a thousand.

“I will breed and nest this summer. I will grow larger and stronger. Take heed, little human, not all gods devour their own to gain strength.”

Her words were strange, but then what did I know of gods? “Only the young and the weak?”

She laughed, in that off-kilter chaos of croaks and cackles. “And the foolish.” A section of crows side-stepped together, their beaks clacking in unison. “Or if the opportunity happens to present itself.”

“Ah.” I thought about it. “Like it did with me, just a few minutes ago?”

“You are not a god, little human.”

“No, but I still might taste good.”

There was another jarring laugh. “It’s a pity you had allies.”

Nearly there...

I'm about.... 500-800 words away from finishing my first draft of 'Brake Fluid'.

I'm rushing 'cause I've got a funeral to go to today in less than 1 1/2 hours and I still need to eat lunch and get ready.

...but I'm almost done :)

Favourite gross-out line of the day?

The trunk smells like... well, I can see why Eric thought a cat got cooked on the engine.

Favourite subtexty-description of the day?

Back in the trees, the chill wind has died down, as if the storm that almost-was is now rethinking where it wants to fall.

But unlike the rain, my mind is set. I’m going to do what I need to do. No more wussing out.

My word-count at this moment is 43,243. Low, but I know there's a lot of things that need clarifying during the editing process. I'm betting the first draft will come in very close to 44,000 words and with editing, I'm guess-timating it'll end up around 55,000 total.

I've already got a small mental list of consistency issues too... like changing all the mentions of Cherry Coke to Wild Cherry Pepsi, having Triss smoke throughout the entire story, Jackson's deck of cards needs to be shown earlier, and I have to weave more music stuff in places where I simply skipped over it to get to the next scene.

...and also I have to make sure the MC isn't strongly skewed towards either gender.

I also have a... quite disgusting *reference* question I need to ask a member of my writing group who, even if he doesn't directly have the answer, knows someone who will.

alcar...I'm lookin' at you ;)

How about you guys? Are you close to making your end-of-the-month-goals?

How about everyone doing NaNo June Camp?

Okay, time to shove something edible down my throat and get changed.

...there's been way too many funerals this past year...