Progress: exciting & scary

This messy new story is starting to fall into place, in my brain at least, if not yet on the page.

(maybe at the point to write a temporary blurb & throw it up on my website soon)

EDIT: a VERY loose/rough blurb is now on my website. You'll notice there's almost no mention of plot  as I'm not far enough into it to know that yet :p *forever-pantser*


So, where am I at?

Mostly it's the idea(s) behind the story that are coming together. See, every time I start a new story, it's because there was something in the previous story that I wasn't able to fully explore.

And, coming out of TRoRS edits... I've already admitted I was craving a super emotionally messy story/MC because N was so emotionally stunted, and neither of the MC's in SCARLIGHT or AotD were satisfyingly 'messy' enough... (of course I will go back to those stories at a later date).

Other things I'm going to explore:

More on the notion of fluidity in relationships. The boundaries/lines between 'friend' and 'lover', and how/when those lines blur. Like with N from TRoRS, I'm not overly interested in writing a story in which a character 'labels' themselves, instead what I like is a self-identity paradigm shift.*

Another aspect is, I'm building off some long email conversations with a writing buddy about things like vulnerability & power imbalances, something we're both really interested in (hence the obscene length of said email exchanges...). 'Roles' we play in our relationships, ruts we fall into -> especially 'bad' ones we come to accept as 'normal'. Things like consent and emotional manipulation/abuse... so, 'y'know, 'light' topics.

To balance that out, this is also (possibly) the funniest story I've ever written...

And... physical intimacy.  Literally there is more physical intimacy on the first couple pages than in the accumulated total of everything else I've ever written. And this scares the crap outta me, 'cause this is a whole new dimension that I've never worked with and am afraid I'm not going to be able to do it justice.

(I've made jokes before how, if I ever write a 'normal relationship', it'll be one of the surest signs of the coming apocalypse)

This story also has the biggest cast of characters I've ever worked with (which is daunting!)... or maybe it just feels like it? Well, secondary characters with their own arcs...

...when all these things add up together, I feel like this is going to be the most emotionally complex story I've written... and I'm already no slacker when it comes to that.

So, uhm, yeah. Lots of reasons to be terrified, but also lots of reasons that I'm crazy excited and obsessed with this new story. It still doesn't have a proper title though :p


But voice? Oh yeah, that's totally the easy part ;)

BeBe (the MC) is already coming off the page, just the way I like 'em ;p




* This may be an unpopular belief, but I tend to think that labels are often more about the people around us than about ourselves. As in, we label ourselves to make it easier for the people around us to understand us ...and we are so much more than a string of easily-memorizable labels.

Falling in love with a new voice

Starting this post off with a weird admission:

I've never fallen in love.

I've grown to love many people, but I've never experienced that thing people talk about, an instant connection of sorts, a hyper-awareness, an overwhelming desire to be with/around that person (we use the word 'fall' for a reason) whether you consider that to be mix of chemicals flooding through the brain or something more*. People write books about falling in love, they compose music and paint and do all sorts of creative outpourings to define or explain it.

And since I've never experienced it, that's probably why the stories I gravitate towards tend to focus on family and friend relationships. Or... weird relationships that don't cleanly fit into a neat 'love' box.

(those are my favourite)

BUT: a new voice? A new character? A new story? That is the closest feeling I can imagine to the thing people talk about: an instant and all-consuming desire, a scary sensation like teetering on a ledge and unsure whether to take a hasty step back, or lean forward and commit to the fall.**

This is why, in any new story, the first 10,000 words are always the easiest for me to write. It's the 'falling stage' where I don't have to do anything in particular, just relax into the voice and let it happen. After that is when I have to shake my head out of the fog of entrancement and think about the darn thing. Think, where is this going? Am I in this for the long-haul? ...and a few less-love/relationshipy-questions like: How can I break this character's shell of safety/control?

If you stalk me on twitter you may already know that I've fallen... and this one, oh man, this is a hard & fast fall.

...and it's unusually scary because this MS is all about love...

(but of course nothing that fits cleanly into an easily defined box. I may have stomped that box flat on page 3)

This MS is going to be messy. It's already messy and I don't quite know what it's about yet. I apologize to my CPs/writing buddies in advance because, well, I'm going to be messy & you're going to have to deal with me*** I'm afraid and excited and annoyed and... and swinging from 'what the hell am I doing, I should throw my laptop out the window' to 'oh my goodness, this is the best feeling ever and I never want to stop'.****

(I'm never this messy... so get ready for a lot of apologies, and maybe some outright bribes)

...also, I think I broke a piece of my brain on page 11 and I'm not sure how I'll recover...

(y'know that box I stomped flat on page 3? I may have folded it into an origami bird and set it on fire)

So, since I'm already rocketing head-first towards the sidewalk, this is now officially Project #8 and it currently has no title other than a self-mocking one:

"I Never Intended to Write a Love Story"

(all my titles change after I finish the first draft and figure out what the heck I was trying to write, but until then, I need something temporary to save/organize it)

When I'm closer to 20,000 words I'll probably know enough to write a short blurb & throw it up onto my website, but I'm still in that 'falling' stage and can't quite shake my head clear enough to think about character/plot arcs or even try to take that stomped-flat box and attempt to glue it into some semblance of a recognizable shape...

Oh no, wait, I set fire to it already, didn't I? So maybe I need to build a new box to put this in...



What I'm working with so far:

The problems that arise when someone has too much empathy

Shakespeare references

Something that resembles a love-triangle, but it's, uh, I really have no idea what the hell it actually is, but it's definitely not a love-triangle. Or maybe it is. Really, I don't know yet, but not an equilateral triangle for sure.*****

A character named Huntyr (yes, with a 'y', mostly so I can make a joke about it -> maybe not on the page, but for sure in my head)

Small children at a pool

Parents who are living/involved/actually show up on the page (I know, crazy, right?)

The gloriousness of minimum-wage jobs

Also: CPR saves lives. This might be important, but not in an obvious way considering I already mentioned a pool & small children



What's not in there (yet?):

A nausea-inducing vomit reference (there is one, but since it involves a mini-van I'm not counting it)

A character with a name beginning with 'J' (can I finally break this weird J-name streak?) ...and now there is one...

A cat reference



Also I'm pleased I only had to write about 8,000 words before figuring out my MC's name :)

(but I might change it because it's a Shakespeare thing and this is not a re-telling and I don't want to set up the impression it IS a re-telling... or I might be overthinking this too much and need to dunk my head in a bucket of cold water before my brain overheats & shuts down)




* Although I do have really good instincts about whether I'm compatible with someone, generally within moments of meeting them, but that is different from the 'love' thing.

** I'm like this with reading too... there's something amazing about opening a new book and falling in so deep you shake yourself awake & realize a couple hours have passed.

*** seriously, guys... no matter how annoying I am, please don't tell me I'm pretty if this story is the literary equivalent of a turquoise mumu that makes my ass look as wide as Texas...

**** I think I might be craving this messiness after coming out of edits on TRoRS which has such an emotionally stunted MC. My writing-brain now wants to run around in circles screaming like a hyper-active toddler in the candy aisle.

***** I know, I sound super confident about this, don't I? Told you this story is messy...

The familiar start-stop of first drafting

I think most writers are familiar with spots in a first draft where writing flows easily, and where it feels like you've taken a nude-dive into a patch of cacti and now have the tweezer-assisted task of removing each and every one of those prickly spines.

(uhm, yeah. sorry about that visual...)

Beginnings are like... well, they're the most effortless part of writing for me. I get caught up in a new voice and race forward, just exploring the fun, new perspective and problems I've landed myself in. Usually I get to around the 20,000-30,000 word mark before I start to stutter...

...and the place I always get stuck is somewhere between the 2/3 and 3/4 point...

That's where I am at the moment in AotD -> face-down, spread-eagle in the Ferocactus patch.

I think I've only written about 1,000 words in the last two weeks, so of course I feel like a horrible slacker who is in dire need of serious self-flagellation to get back on track :)

...but at the same time, this is familiar, I've done it before, so I know I'll eventually puzzle through it.

And I know why I always get stuck at this same point.

(somehow, that's the frustrating part. that I understand it, but still can't overcome it. I just have to let it work itself out in its own time.)


I get stuck here because I'm not a plotter.

And no, the reason I'm stuck isn't because I don't know how the story is going to end.

(I don't think I would keep writing a story if I knew how it would end. that's 99% of the joy, writing to discover what happens!)

The reason I get stuck is because my stories are always driven by character, not plot.

So it's when I can't grasp a character's motivation/emotions/etc that I get stuck, because it's their decisions or reactions that determine how the next scene will play out.

For most of the story, I'm just running after the main characters, only concerned about what they want and how they think/feel, but at that 2/3 -> 3/4 point, my brain jumps in and goes, "hang on, what about everyone else? What about all the other characters who have a role in the climax/ending? What do they want and what have they been thinking/feeling this whole time?"

...which is suddenly overwhelming to realize that I know nothing about the characters who instigated this whole thing in the first place...

(but duh, this is familiar, this happens in every first draft... so why do I still feel surprised?) 

...and, my poor little dyslexic brain overheats and shuts down.

Yeah. So, Sikka & Komil & Mica & Selka, the four characters I've been running after, they're good. I know what they all want and how they're thinking/feeling...

But Issa? And the mysterious god/monster who spirited her away at the beginning of the story?

Uuuuuuuuuuuhm, yeah. Drawing a complete and total blank, kinda like the blue screen of death.

/force reboot

/force reboot

/force reboot...


The logical part of my brain tries to slap some sense into me and says, "uhm, idiot, you don't need to know that until you get there, so let it go and focus on the scene you're currently writing..."


But unfortunately that's easily said and not so easily done. The 'letting it go' part.

...I think it's a similar impulse to wanting to flip to the last page of a really intense book to see if your favourite character is still alive...

My brain wants to skip ahead, even though that's not how it works... because if I knew how the story ended, I would lose the enthusiasm to write and 'find' the end...

Contradictory, yes. Mildly frustrating, yes. Somewhat hilarious, yes.

Because I always take great joy in laughing at myself and I welcome others to join in on the fun :)


SOOOOOOOOO...

/removes cactus spine from unmentionable location...


Yeah. I've got a mountain, a hot-spring, a drop-spindle, and a mysterious line about 'stars'...

Those I need to write before I get to Issa & the god/monster...


...and I really can't skip ahead because this is the first book I've written where I'm not even sure who'll be alive on the final page...

And would I really want to finish this story if I knew, say, Selka bites it on the final page?


O_o


No. I might cry. A lot.


(it's no secret that I am completely obsessed with Selka...)

/removes anther cactus spine

Well, let's see how this goes :) I think I may take off to my favourite Fort Langley cafe tomorrow to drink raspberry black tea and hope the change in scenery will kick my stubborn brain back onto the right path so I can find out what the heck is going to happen in the end...

The nice part is, I've been reading a crazy amount of books while not-writing :)



How about you guys? Are there certain parts of a story you find you get stuck at, and other places where it's easy?  Any tricks that work for you?

...or am I living in this strange, vaguely disturbing world all on my own?

Happy 2016!

I know, I know, I'm a week late :)

Forgive me?

My right arm (the more dominant one) has been slightly 'out' of the rotary cuff for approximately 7 weeks, which makes typing quite painful, so I've been limiting my computering (yes, that is totally a word in my dictionary :p) to the essentials.

AAAAAAAAND, since my last post, there's been a lot of essential computering :)

Today/this weekend I'm hoping to finish the last fiddly bits of editing (3rd round! So fun!) on TRoRS before it's "done".

I'm not entirely sure how I feel about that... like, one small part of my brain tells me, "hey, this is a big deal, you should be freaking out or jumping around or something..." and the rest of my brain goes, "yeah, but SELKA & SIKKA, and JAY & KELL, and... and... and OTHER STORIES THAT I WANT TO WRITE!!!!!"

...and then I start watching documentaries on the Arctic Circle and make notes on things like white sturgeons* and the hibernation cycle of ground squirrels...

...Oh yeah, I have managed to restrain myself from starting the story that is not a story yet. It's still locked in a small corner of my brain because it will take a CRAZY amount of research so I can get things right and not piss anyone off.

(The 'shoe' story)

...and I'm not sure if 'the shoe story' would be considered YA because it does involve the world history of alcohol...

I am absolutely going to finish 'Afraid of the Dark' & 'Scarlight' before I start anything new. And, I would LIKE to re-work/finish the MG story I started writing, 'Left & Right'. I stopped because I wasn't confident that the voice of it was MG, but this year I've read several really excellent MG books written in a slightly more mature voice which gives me a boost of confidence that I can pull this off.

Other things I've been up to... Oh, I donated my hair again! Last time was 2 years ago, so.... yeah, I did link a picture here. One of the very few pictures of me online... Generally, when it's cut off, it looks similar to that linked picture. Longer at the front, about 1-2" long at the back, (because they pull it into a ponytail, tie it off, and then cut, so you get a reverse-bob) but THIS time, my usual stylist was out of town and... let's just say, I am NOT inclined to post a picture until it grows out. When it's straight, it looks suspiciously... mushroom-shaped... so I've been letting it just go all crazy/curly, and the first thing my nephew said was... that I look like a sheep.

Nice thing is, I have a large collection of hats I can hide it under ;)

Best part about short hair? It looks insane in the morning! Like, I stayed at my parent's place Christmas Eve and everyone started killing themselves laughing when I walked into the kitchen on Christmas morning... it defies gravity and I kinda love that :p

So, other exciting things for 2016?

Hmmmm, I'm planning a trip to Montreal at the end of May (which might now involve meeting an online writing buddy for the first time ever!!!). The next internationally-attended PAC (Porcelain Artists of Canada) Convention is there, and thankfully, since it's on the other side of the country, I have not been involved with the planning/running of the convention :) If you recall, the 2014 convention that was in Vancouver pretty much sucked up a year of my time since I started out JUST handling all the registrations, then got asked to handle more and more responsibilities until I ended up as Vice-Chair. It was fun, I enjoyed it, but I didn't get to see any of the workshops because I was running around the whole time.

And speaking of PAC, and responsibilities, something similar has happened in that, after the 2014 convention, I got asked to help out with the photoshop work for the magazine, which snowballed into doing ALL the photoshopping, then taking care of the national website, and now I'm the Membership Director for the 2016-2018 term, which means I'm in charge of all the Provincial & International reps and handle all the membership stuff that they send me and compile/organize it all.

It's fun, I like the work, but I do need to learn to say 'no'. I'm probably just going to take on the position for the one term so I can re-do all the old forms/organizational stuff that they've been using for years, and set up a PayPal account so it's easier for International members to pay, 'cause right now, it's all done by cheque.

Generally, that's what I'm good at. Taking things apart and making them more efficient. It's a dyslexic-advantage ;)

...and probably why I often get asked to help on various projects like that.

(all joking aside, it's really flattering that they like me, and the work I do, to this extent)


Hmmmm, I was going to post something on my Bailiwick site when I got my new place all done/organized, and haven't done that yet because I've decided I want to do some more renovations. Some I'm going to do myself... like, I'm going to put stone around the fireplace, and all the way up to the ceiling. As part of that project, I am going to visit this place and get some cool wood to build shelving, and maybe rip out the existing tiled mantle & put wood there. Or I might do some framing/drywalling first... we'll see.

I also want to build a.... very unique lighting system/design feature that's going to involve cutting down a couple small trees on my parents' property (yes, I have permission, this won't be something I do under cover of darkness). I have thoughts on the actual lights too... remember how I played with coating actual maple leaves in resin? They were meant to be throw-away experiments, but 2 years later, the leaves haven't rotted and still hold their green colour. Anyways... let's just say resin & paper & leaves might play a part in the design for the lights ;) Oh, and maybe origami? We'll see :) Experimentation is the spice of life :)

One reno I may hire-out for is, I eventually want to remove the crappy laminate flooring from the ground floor AND the carpet from the upstairs and I'm thinking about a heated resin floor for the ground level, and that's not something I can put in myself. I know, I've researched it ;)

But, that's a design-choice I'm not 100% sure if I like or not. Would love an excuse to rip out the existing baseboard heaters because I wouldn't need them with in-floor heating, and it's super durable (with my crazy beagle tearing around) and it's super clean/modern... but maybe TOO clean/modern. I may go the opposite direction and put in distressed hardwood flooring, which I could do myself.


And a couple smaller things, I'm planning at least one snowboarding trip (end of Feb), and will definitely be up at the cabin as soon as possible... maybe late March, early April (yes, yes, I WILL avoid accidentally-on-purpose giving myself hypothermia again) because it's my absolutely favourite place in the world to write :)


So, those are a few things I'm excited about in this coming year :) How about you guys?



* By the way, there's kindof a funny white sturgeon thing... Another story idea that is not yet a story involves a white sturgeon, and a white sturgeon shows up (briefly) in AotD... so a writing buddy of mine joked that I should write "The Great Sturgeon Tales"... maybe do another one set in South America or something.

...so, kinda like how a character with a 'J' name always shows up in my stories... or vomit jokes... or cat references... or... or... uhh, yeah. I will seriously not start putting white sturgeons in all my stories, I promise.

A wonderful Friday the 13th

I've said it before, and I'll say it again... I love Friday the 13th, and here's my latest reason to love them:

Today, I signed on with Patricia Nelson of the Marsal Lyon Literary Agency.

Yes, that's right.

No, no need to check your calendars. This isn't an April Fools post.

Are you stunned? Yeah, me too. The past two weeks have been a little like living in a constant state of delirium (meant in a good way), and not only because I've been on antibiotics for a mild case of pneumonia.*

Soooooooo, the story?

You know how I like to obsess over 'spin' and over-analyze things to death, so I could tell this from several different angles.

Well, I've read a lot of other writer's stories and I've thought a lot about what I want/don't want to tell.


Theoretically, I could structure this story around how dyslexia has been a disadvantage, how a big part of me never felt I would ever be able to play in the professional's playground no matter how much work/time I put into this.

But I'm not interested in this being a triumph-over-adversity story, because, really, this is only the start of a new journey.

Or I could structure it around how dyslexia has been an advantage, has given me an odd way of looking at the world, more stamina, a thicker skin, and a willingness to keep hammering away at something, even if there's little chance I'll succeed.

But I'm also not interested in telling a don't-give-up-you'll-win-in-the-end story, because hard work doesn't always equate success.


I'm also not going to talk about how long I've been at this, how few/many queries/partial/fulls/rejections I've tallied up, mainly because I don't think any of that is important. All it does is invite comparison, and everyone has their own writing journey, their own obstacles, and their own decisions to make about what to put their energy into, and what demands and deserves their emotional/psychological focus.

...right, I did promise not to over-analyze...


Okay, so instead, I'm going to (hopefully) make you smile and (perhaps) laugh.

(which is usually AT me, yes? I am my own favourite target for humour)

And try to convey why I think this was a good fit, from my perspective.



In my previous post about SiWC 2015 I mentioned that, instead of using my agent pitch session to pitch, I used it to ask for a professional opinion on how to set up a particular query. Well, it did start out as a non-pitch-session, but then it somehow transmogrified into a pitch after getting onto the subject of my ungendered main character, N, in TRoRS.

And honestly, up until 15-20 minutes before the session, I was still debating whether to give my space to someone else -> I didn't want to waste an agent's time because I was not planning to pitch, and that's kinda what they're there for.

 But instead, I decided to be selfish and get my question answered.

(thank you, beloved local writing buddies, for pushing me to be selfish...)

...and wow, I'm certainly glad I did...

Patricia was delightful, enthusiastic, quick-witted, and friendly. Talk about an award-winning first impression.

(I should ask for pointers)

She asked for the full.

...I left, somewhat in shock. And I sent it after the conference. Actually, I waited an entire 2 days to send it.

(blame the shock)

And happily set it out of my mind. Thankfully, I've always been pretty zen about queries/requests/etc. Once I click 'send' on an email, I know I have no more control over it, so I focus on things I do have control over. I was not stressed, worried, or hopeful. I was only starting to get vaguely curious about the status of the fulls that had gone out in July. My brain was occupied with my Northern Fairytale, cannibalistic gods, and whether raw bone marrow would spread easily like soft butter, or would be more gelatinous, like cold jelly.**

So I was shocked (yet again) when barely 24 hours later she emailed, said she was halfway through, loved it so far, and wanted me to send sample chapters of other things I was working on.

(I mean, seriously... who reads that fast?)

After a little back-and-forth about what projects she was interested in seeing ugly-first-drafts of, I sent off the first 30 pages of two other stories.

...and 24 hours later...

...after running around in the dark at the dog park with Eva in 7C weather wearing a tank top, thin pants, and barefoot shoes (and most likely contracting pneumonia, or setting myself up to catch it soon after)...

...I got home and there was another email...

(seriously! who reads that fast?!?!)

...saying some of the nicest things I've ever had someone say about my writing... and asking to set up a phone conversation to chat.

(now do you understand why I say that I have been living in a state of delirium? I may also have double-checked the email address was legit as I was concerned that, if I replied, I would soon discover she was secretly a Nigerian princess who wanted to send me one million dollars just as soon as I passed along my social insurance number and banking information...)***

Okay what really happened is I closed my laptop. Like, snapped it shut and kinda tossed it onto the table -> there is now a dent in my coffee table. Then I sat on the sofa for a few minutes feeling like I was going to throw up. Then I re-read the email. Then I fed Eva and Berkeley (who were, of course, deeply offended that I had not immediately rushed to serve them dinner the moment I got home). And sat on the sofa for a while before re-reading the email yet again.

Thankfully, for all involved, I did not throw up.

(remember, I have a beagle. please don't imagine what she would have done with that...)****

Then I wrote back. And a couple hours later, I remembered to find something to eat for myself. Oh, and then took a hot shower since I was chilled right through and kinda soaking wet from running around the dog park in the dark, in the rain, and wearing inappropriately light clothing.*****

(yes, getting sick was entirely my own fault)

It was Thursday. I had send my MS on Tuesday.

We would talk Wednesday morning.

And we did.

Even though I barely had a voice at all because, at that point, I was quite terribly sick.

(well, I was at the tail end of the cold that turned into mild pneumonia. of course I wasn't really sick! okay, I admit I may have been in denial. like I admit it was fully my fault in the first place)


Now, beyond the awful-foghorn-croaky voice, I have no idea what I sounded like on the phone. More than once I've been accused of being a robot. Apparently, whenever I'm nervous or excited or upset or... whatever, I speak very calmly. Even when I laugh, it's nearly soundless.

(again, I need pointers on how to make a good first impression. people like to know you're excited...)



We ended the conversation with an agreement to talk on the 13th, adhering to the standard protocol: 7-to-10-painful-days-in-limbo where you email the other agents who have the full and give them time to weigh in or step aside.

...but I had already pretty much made up my mind because, honestly, I couldn't imagine how another agent could have felt like a better fit.

Without me even asking/prompting, Patricia had neatly ticked off every item on my theoretical "must have" list, and even a few on my "in a perfect world where I have a jetpack, a classic Shelby, the Seahawks are having a perfect season, and a comically-old-school-looking-robot-dressed-in-a-french-maid-uniform is in my kitchen prepared to cook/serve me gourmet food" list. Like, I know this is an insanely unimportant thing to wish for, but I've always (secretly) wanted an agent who is on the West Coast.

And San Diego? C'mon... it's like, the only city I could even imagine living, other than Vancouver or Seattle. Most people recognize me on the street because of the bright orange Padres baseball hat I wear while walking Eva.


Key on that list of "must haves":

- She absolutely did not want me to gender N (cue imaginary swooning scene right here.)

- Her absurdly fast response time. I'm absolutely neurotic about schedules/time. If I'm 10 minutes early for something, I'm still late. If I'm only going to be 5 minutes early, I'll call/text and let the person know I might be late. (Note: I don't expect others to be like this, it's a standard I hold for myself as I find it incredibly disrespectful to waste someone else's time. I'm more laid-back when it's someone else wasting my time... because usually I've already pre-scheduled for that.)

- She argued with me (YES!) And by that, I am not admitting to being a masochist. No, what I very much like, and admire in other people, is the willingness to stand by their convictions. We all come to the same problem with a different set of tools/experience/information, and I never like to enter into a discussion with the pre-formed opinion that I am right. In this particular case, she was right ;)

- Somewhat of a continuation of the last point, she asked questions about my characters/stories that I had never thought about, and offered several ideas about how to make the story richer/cleaner/clearer. Since I have that deeply-ingrained-belief that there's always going to be a problem I'll miss in my own writing, this gave me confidence that she would catch any dyslexic-blindspots, and not only at a copy-editing level, at a deeper, construction/structural level.

- She loves editing... and by that, I mean she isn't afraid to suggest big structural changes (shred it to bits and I'll thank you for it! ...wait, ahem, I am absolutely not admitting to being a masochist...). And I'm not too proud to confess I was very happy she doesn't think breaking the entire skeleton is necessary for TRoRS -> since I did spend a solid month last spring tearing apart and re-working that insane, non-linear timeline. I'm good with breaking/resetting a couple of limbs, the odd finger, and maybe a kneecap.

- Meeting with an agent in person is a rarity, so that was not a 'must have', but on my theoretical list was the necessity of a 'gut' feeling of compatibility. The good first impression from the not-a-pitch-turned-pitch was only reinforced by our conversation and by subsequent email/followup over the next week. I also talked to a couple of her other clients and didn't ask a lot of specific questions, merely listened to what they had been looking for in an agent, and how they had found working with Patricia. I was pleased that my 'gut' impression seemed to match their real-life experience.


And then there were many other small, lovely things that I would never have thought to put on a list, but was delighted that they came along as a package deal.


I told exactly six people (three of whom are direct blood relatives) during the 7-to-10-painful-days-in-limbo while waiting to hear back from the other agents who had fulls. I think it's probably a good thing I was sick or the impulse to tell more people might have overcome the deliciously-evil-fun of hoarding a good secret ;)

(I have a mastered quite the repertoire of maniacal laughs, each individually suited for other evil activities, delicious or otherwise)

Everyone else will be hearing about it today. When it's officially official.

(my brain may still clunk around for a while in mid-shock-mode, so a warning to those who have to interact with me in real life: if I suddenly palm-smack my forehead in the middle of a conversation with you, don't worry. I'm just trying to reboot)


I have to say that I love the humour of this happening on a Friday the 13th, since I do have well-crafted opinions about the idea of 'luck' (reminder: I dislike the concept of luck). And (surprisingly), with my mad-obsession with numbers, I didn't actually try to engineer it that way. Now, the only thing that would make it even better is if I happened to be her 13th client...

(spoiler: I'm not)

So, to everyone along the road (and yes, there have been many, many, many) who encouraged me, critiqued me, laughed with (at?) me, or otherwise tagged along so far on this (hopefully) amusing ride, thank you. I am... so incredibly happy to share this news with all of you. I have been extremely fortunate to fall in with such an amazing online (and in-real-life) community of writers. In all sincerity, thank you.

My heart is a little sad that one of my writing buddies, Sue Koenig, is not alive to read this post. In TRoRS, Triss's mom is Jewish because of Sue and her amazing New York accent, and no matter what I said, or what I thought, or how ambiguously I wrote, from the very beginning Sue firmly believed there was an intense f/f love-relationship between Triss & N, and heartily cheered it on.


...and as many wise people along the journey have said about this weird little manuscript, "it just has to find the right pair of eyes."

And I think that is the case.




Now... tell me... did I succeed in making you smile? Laugh?

(or possibly throw up a little in your mouth? I know, I know, referencing my dog was probably over the top)


Uhm, yeah. I don't really do 'heartwarming' or 'motivational' very well, do I? But I don't think any of you would have expected it, not from me :p

(bad grammar, yes... but heartwarming?)



Okay, this post is long enough, it's 9:42am, and I need to leave for physio at 9:45, so I'm going to end it here.

Have a wonderful weekend, all!




* Pneumonia is one of those strange things where, if you get it once, you've prone to getting it again. I had it pretty bad as a teenager, and I think this is now the third time since that I've caught it in the early stages.

** This is why I think I need pointers on how to make a better first impression. I have terribly inappropriate facts stored away in the 'small-talk-topics' file in my brain. Yes, I've actually used the 'substitute blood for eggs' in more than one conversation. And legitimately. Not to get someone annoying to go bother someone else.

*** Who doesn't like an old internet-scam joke?

**** And this fulfills the ongoing joke of how I always want a vomit reference to make the reader feel slightly queasy upon reading it. C'mon, tell me you didn't immediately imagine what I told you not to imagine...

***** Yeah. My fault. I fully admit it. This is kinda like when I was running on top of a split-wood fence and fell off. Or when I electrocuted myself. Or when I sortof-intentionally gave myself hypothermia by swimming in 14C lake water because I was curious to find out how quickly I would lose body heat and what that would feel like. Or... huh, I really have too many examples, don't I? Apparently, I have no sense of self-preservation. My tombstone will certainly read, "Curiosity killed her." Hopefully it doesn't also include the terms, "splat",  "poor eye-hand coordination", or "should have read the label before eating".

I move tomorrow! and writing! (and bad grammar!)

Well, technically my furniture moves since I'm house-sitting until October 2.

But still exciting!

I've moved so many times before that I've kinda got this whole thing down. I've got everything ready and the truck isn't even showing up until tomorrow afternoon, so I've had time this morning to get a little more writing done.

Writing... uhm, y'know how in my last post I was excited because I felt I had a clear view of the next, largish portion of the book?

Well, yeah. Then I wrote myself into a corner yesterday when a reveal that wasn't supposed to happen until the climax suddenly grabbed a scene by the throat and jerked it in the opposite direction...

...and when an apology might have directed the story back on track, Sikka says, "I'm not sorry for lying to you."

...which then made the already-misdirected scene turn yet again... in yet another wrong direction.

BUT, this morning I skimmed back to earlier scenes and reread over the dialogue/actions/body language/etc and... and... and...

...yeah, this 'corner' I have written myself into completely makes sense and there are little hints all along the bunny-trail that build up to this exact thing/confrontation happening.

So, it wasn't a momentary skew in this direction, the story has been heading this way for a long time and my conscious brain knew nothing about it while my unconscious brain has been sniggering and pointing mockingly at the idiocy of my conscious brain behind its back for being such a fool.

Ahem. And yes, I think they have medication for that.

Also of note: like the apology that might have directed the story back on track, there was also a really good possibility that this scene would have drawn Sikka & Komil closer together and been a major step towards an actual 'normal' romantic relationship arc... and uhm, yeah. Not happening. Or should I say, it didn't happen.

(I don't want to assume it won't happen...)

If I could write stories like normal people it absolutely would have happened because it's the right 'time' in the story arc for it to happen.

/tears out a handful of hair/

Yup, my brain is trying to kill me. Especially with this story. It's the reason I stopped writing it in the first place and moved on to other stories, yet here I am, coming back for more punishment because my damn brain is on a suicide mission and is trying to take me with it.

...and because I'm a masochistic freak who loves a challenge, I can't get enough of it...

SOOOOOO, uhm, yeah. Apologies for the probably worse-than-usual grammar in this post as 95% of my brain is currently dedicated to unpuzzling this corner-that-is-not-a-corner that I have written myself into, and the other 5% is mired in a heady-state of self-shaming.

Okay, not really :) But it's still fun/funny to think about!

Mostly non writerly things

/waves hand/

Yup, still alive.

Life has been a little crazy, but things have been going well. Since I last posted, I was in Chilliwack readying stuff to ship to Montreal for the next PAC Convention. There was a bunch of drama around taking possession of my new place (the sellers lawyer "lost" some paperwork, only discovered the day everything was supposed to get legalized, so there was a mad scramble and some delays). I also house-sat for that family friend who just lost his wife to cancer.

...and survived a crazy windstorm that had power out for 3 full days and internet out for 5.

I've been packing/organizing to move (planning for endish of September), and painting the new place. Some interesting discoveries & slightly unpleasant surprises as I've been removing hardware and fixing some things. Nothing huge, but it annoys me how often something is not installed correctly in the first place, and fixing it generally means breaking other things before you can fix the one, stupid thing that was done wrong in the first place. Seriously people... drywall anchors are not rocket science... and patching drywall is an enormous pain.

But I do enjoy the fun of renovating (taking things apart and putting them back together in a better, more efficient way always gives me great satisfaction -> which is why I enjoy editing so much) and it's been fun to turn this townhouse into a space that feels more like "me".

And I haven't even touched the garden yet.

The rest of September is pretty busy as well... more housesitting starting in about 10 days (which is also going to involve dropping off/picking up my nephew from school & babysitting), plus my plans to actually move (so the whole townhouse needs to be ready), but also within the next 10 days I've promised to spend a couple days with my cousin down in Birch Bay (WA state, about a 20 min drive after crossing the USA/Canadian border), a few more days in Chilliwack making ikebana vases (yes, from porcelain clay/slip + glazing + maybe painting, depending how my arm is holding up), my birthday is this coming weekend, and I might be helping someone pack/move (small stuff) on the 15th. I've also made several other plans with friends and family to the point where I'm not entirely sure what moments I will have free...

And there's an unopened MS file sitting on my desktop that I've been asked to read/comment on, and I just finished another one which is certainly going to involve follow-up (always fun).


Through the summer, I have managed to schedule in a weekly writing session with a local writing buddy of mine and other sporadic writing dates with another buddy. Surprisingly, with all the recent insanity, I've gotten some writing in too :) Nothing crazy, but a respectable amount, and (as a pantser) amazingly I have a clearer view of what the next portion of the story might look like, which is awesome because a few weeks ago I didn't even have a vague direction of where to go next. Essentially, I'm at the mid-point (ish) of the Northern Fairytale MS and recently surprised myself at the unexpected turn a scene took... like taking a single step and finding yourself at a vantage point, I feel like now I can sprint downhill, and am salivating to get more writing done.

Well, I hope everyone's summer has been good, and I hope to squeeze in a few extra hours to catch-up on all the people's blogs I haven't had the time to read and find out what amazing things have been going on for you all.

Which, I hope, involves writing ;)

It's now 1pm, and I'm heading over to do more painting... extra exciting because it's my office/studio.

Something I rarely do

...talk about a book I've just read.

So, y'know how TRoRS has a genderless narrator, dubbed 'N', for 'Nameless' by a writing buddy who waded through the first-draft ugliness (you deserve several medals, Alcar).

Well, frequently when I've talked with other YA writers about TRoRS, they've asked me a variation of the same question/statement:

"Oh, you mean like David Levithan's book, 'Every Day', right?"

And every time, I've answered, "no." The first time I'd even heard of it was after that writing buddy (who dubbed my MC 'N') read my first draft and told me about the existence of 'Every Day'.

No, it was not an influence/inspiration. I could write another novel (well, maybe a novella) about the true inspirations, but I'm not going to. 90% of the point of TRoRS was to let the reader take control and make the 'world off the page' their own. N being genderless wasn't the point of the story, it was simply a vehicle to add freedom to the reader's experience.

Yes, I certainly like the idea of someone reading TRoRS twice and switching N's gender the second time, but that's a whole other conversation in itself, and not important for this particular post.


Because I kept getting asked about 'Every Day', I purposefully put off reading it because I didn't want to go into edits (of my own story) with this idea of comparison hanging over my brain.

So, today I read 'Every Day' and the companion story, 'Six Days Earlier'*.

And I'm glad I finally read it because it is absolutely nothing like TRoRS, so part of my 'gladness' is that it puts to rest any sense of fear that I was somehow writing a version of something already out there, which is silly, I know that. But fear isn't logical.

And even though I'm talking about a book I just read, I'm still not going to talk about whether I liked it or not.

I think the biggest thing I took away from 'Every Day' (other than letting go of that irrational fear) is that it made me think a lot about writing.

The notion of waking up every day in a new body, knowing/understanding some things, but having to make up the rest, pretend to be someone else in an unfamiliar skin, to me, this was probably the best description I could ever think of to explain what it feels like to be a writer.

As I followed A's journey, A's experiences in every new body, those A connected with and those that A wanted to escape, even a second sooner, that's often how I think about characters, stories, etc.

There are characters/stories that flash through my head and I don't want to stay in them, with them. I don't want their history, future, or even anything more than a couple moments of their present.

And there are those that deeply connect and make me want to wake up with them every morning and fall asleep with them every night. I want the complicated mess rather than a shallow encounter.

And I suppose it's the same way with reading other books. Some fit right away and I fall into the world, and some itch and scratch and keep reminding me that this isn't right, that it's not for me.

So yes, I'm glad I finally read it, for many reasons.


Has anyone else read 'Every Day'? Any thoughts on it? Or any other book that really made you think, or changed your opinion on something?




*One thing I found interesting about 'Six Days Earlier' is that there's an author's note right at the beginning in which A is referred to as male.

Short update

Wow, the last couple of weeks have absolutely flown by! Somehow, I think that's a quality of summer, even though it's not like I'm in school anymore so I am not revelling in the freedom of vacation.

Maybe it's the heat? Melts the brain a little and time slides sideways?

So... divorce! Yes! It's done! I should get the final paperwork this week!

(okay, I am officially banning myself from further use of exclamation marks in this post before I poke someone's eye out)

Eva, my beloved and... always troublesome beagle companion... had a small surgery to remove a lump from her chest (nothing seriously, thankfully) and was confined to a cone-of-shame for a week. Oh yes, plus 2 weeks fighting with ear drops for a persistent ear infection. She gained almost 5 lbs due to the number of treats I had to bribe her with... sigh...

Berkeley knocked my laptop on the floor, which meant a trip to the Apple store + a new screen + a couple days forced-detox from computer-land. Don't worry, I got the crying & shaking under control after the first 24 hours.

I was out in Chilliwack with my painting mentor for a few days and plan to head back on the 24th in August to help go through stuff for the next PAC convention. This one is in Montreal, May 2016.

Editing more photos for the PAC magazine, new issue deadline is the end of the month, and I've also taken over the website related tasks. It was kindof fun to realize that teaching myself basic coding when I was a teenager somehow stuck in my brain enough to allow me to pop into the backend of a website I had not built and manipulate it. Good times were had by all :)

Most exciting thing of all? I've jumped back into the Northern Fairytale with both feet. I've been going through the 25,000 words of first-draft-ugliness and editing for consistency and logic (seriously, why did I ever think that deer would have already given birth to fawns in March? IGNORANCE, and I now know better) and have been tapped into a lovely collection of Arctic-related notes/research/documentaries for the next portion of writing.

Where did I leave off last time? Maybe you recall my (slight) obsession with crows/ravens? And a peculiar goddess/monster (or as she prefers to be called) a 'Lady' made up of an entire flock of crows?

So yes, Selka is back and hungry for blood. Quite literally. And my brain is positively buzzing with ideas, notions, and random tangents that might possibly intersect at some point and connect into a cohesive plot.

This also means Jay, Kell & the crew from SCARLIGHT are currently banished into the dark corners of my brain until a later time & place. Writing 2 first drafts at the same time is apparently beyond my abilities, not only just in the sheer number of tense errors flipping from past to present & back again, but due to the bi-polar war going on in my head hopping between a somewhat noble female character and a selfish, self-involved male character. Oh, but Kell? Parkour? So much fun research somewhere in the future :)


And while all this is going on, I am on the hunt for a new place to live. The plan is to move before the end of September, but so far my extreme pickiness is limiting my options. It doesn't seem like a lot to ask for to find a place with a fenced yard, room/lighting to accommodate 40+ orchids, a snooker table, 2 pets, all my porcelain/painting stuff, 2 kilns, a light table, my computers, books... ugh. Okay, you can see why this might be difficult...

Yes, the last couple weeks have flashed by... how are your summers shaping up so far? Any writing goals you're shooting for? I have been informed that Camp NaNo is not somehow related to a horror-novel plot and is quite legitimate. Any non-writerly goals? Moving? School? Career/drudgery? Family? Vacation/trips?

Puzzle pieces & ideas

The stories I write are all a little weird. Okay, maybe a LOT weird.

Ever since I was a kid, I've been curious, always wanting to know how things work*. The result of this is hoards of random information crammed into the crooks of my brain. Sadly, details like how to tell if the slime coat on a freshwater fish is healthy or not has overwritten useful tidbits like... the basics of polite small talk. Or the 12x table. It's also embarrassing how many times I have to look up my own phone number/address/postal code**.

As an adult, it's a heck of a lot easier to feed this insatiable appetite for information (yeah internet!) and as a writer it's a lot easier to justify/rationalize when asked why I'm researching some obscure piece of information (see earlier paragraph on fresh water fish slime coats).

Because all these odd, unrelated bites of information hang around in my head like orphaned puzzle pieces, just waiting to be assembled into something amazing.


Documentaries are a significant jumping off point for me. I mostly watch ones on the natural world, animals, travel, archaeology, history, earthquakes, how the universe works, etc. These give me ideas, not only how existing or fantastical cultures might work, but also possible plot points, hobbies/interests/jobs for characters to obsess over, or spooky/scary/otherworldly things for characters to avoid. Yes, one day I WILL write a story that includes Pykrete. Or Ebu Gogo. Or Armenian brandy.

I also use Wiki a lot. Often I'll check something (like Pykrete) and follow the links until I'm on a different subject entirely. You never know when MSDS sheets for tattoo ink may be the perfect solution for a writing blockage/deadend. Wiki is a good place to start, but of course better/more detailed research is necessary.

People. I love talking to people, especially ones I don't know. I'm aways curious what their jobs are like, what their family/friends are like, etc, and especially what their hobbies/interests are. I have my own base of topics that I keep up to date on, but it's impossible to follow/know everything. Asking people to tell you about what they like is an amazing chance to hear the 'best of' something, to hear why someone likes that specific thing. It opens up so many new avenues to explore as possible writing/character ideas.

Like, I talked to a guy at the dog park the other day who is a ginormous Avengers fan. He's got every movie, binge-watched them all over 3 days before the latest movie came out. He's got comics, action figures, posters, etc. And hearing him talk about this with such passion, it makes me interested in going to see this movie, and maybe, maybe in the future, I'll want to write a character who is a passionate fan like this guy.

His passion sparked an interest in me, and isn't that the most important thing about characters/books?

Blog posts. Usually ones I have no background in, but they talk about really interesting ideas from an angle I never would have thought of before. Like this guy who writes on things like trust in 'things' versus trust in co-workers/people.

Reading. Yes, I do a lot of reading. I read everything from comic books to philosophy books to history books. I like books about art, culture, and mythology. I don't read as much as I'd like to, but again, I'll pick books up on topics that interest me and may ignite new ideas to play with. The only downside to reading books for information is the information can be out of date.

As for reading fiction, I seem to go through concentrated bursts of genre/etc. Sometimes I'll read 15 contemporary books in a row, sometimes it'll be a more diverse mix. Personally I love books translated from other languages. The voice of the author, how they put together words, what they choose to say, or not say, does survive the translation process. I find it fascinating how much you can pick up of another culture in how the stories are told.


For me, the more diverse the information, the more potential ideas can be generated. If all you do is read/research/etc within your narrow field of interest, you are limiting the reservoir of inspiration to pull from.



So, how about you guys? Do you have any favourite sources for generating ideas? I've heard many people use music as an inspiration, or movies, etc. How much non-fiction reading do you do, and do you prefer books or online sites?




* I electrocuted myself when I was 6 trying to dismantle an electrical outlet and have many, many scars from power tools, sharp objects, and am still surprised I have never poisoned myself.

...I also have not gotten any smarter. Two summers ago I hurt my knee trying to run on top of a fence, and just a couple months ago (if you follow me on twitter) I sortof-intentionally gave myself mild hypothermia by swimming in 14C lake water.

** Let's blame that one on the number of times I've moved in the past 12 years...

Rituals

I've been thinking a lot about rituals.

We all have them, but it's easiest to recognize the big ones like religious, cultural, or holiday-related (not necessarily religious*), but we all have smaller rituals as well that infest our daily lives.

Maybe because I've always been crazy interested in cultures/mythology/etc, I tend to think about rituals more than most. It's not the elaborate ceremonies (although death rituals around the world is always a fun topic to Google) that I love, but the small series of actions that are repeated over and over until they become habit, or are even passed on to become traditions at a certain point.

When I moved away from the lower mainland for the first time, I purposefully started a ritual to maintain contact with my mom and sister. In that case it was the resurrection of a childhood tradition. Even though we all now live within a 20 minute drive of each other, we still do it. Not every month, but when one of us does remember, it packs a lifetime of shared memories and laughter into a single 10 word text message.

...and I'm going to break my rule a tiny bit here... since I generally make it a point not to talk about/name the books I've read.

You can tell when a book is written by a person who spent 10 minutes and Wiki'd a city/culture versus someone who has actually lived there, or has taken the time to research it in depth. A Wiki'd story feels shallow/flat, like the 'Coles-notes' version. A veneer thinly spread and easy to chip if you pick at it a little.

"Drift", by MK Hutchins is a good example of a book that does not feel Wiki'd. I know the mythology was based on Mayan/Aztec, but it was entirely its own thing... so layered, so textured that I wanted to crawl into the world and live there.

A non-YA book I love is "Bliss Street", by Kris Kenway, who actually moved/stayed in Beirut for a year or so while writing the book. It's full of these tiny moments, tiny peculiarities and details that make the book a much richer experience and you can really feel how alien these are to the main character, a British citizen temporarily stranded in Beirut.

Whenever I read a book like this, where I can really get a taste of the world, I get insta-writer-crush. Especially when authors use rituals to not only world-build, but manage stuff like this.

Rituals give depth and, I think, especially with fantasy books (meant as an umbrella term, including, but not limited to: magic, alternate world, steampunk, alternate history, dystopian, etc), it's too easy to fall back on our own familiar patterns rather than step back, take a look at the world we've built, and create some new rituals/traditions to fit. I've read many fantasy books where I have been disappointed that the flavours were too North American (sorry, is that understandable?).

Often this is because writers are imposing their own personal thoughts/morals/ethics/etc on these fantastical worlds. They have a certain tone of modern-judgement, especially when the stories involve things like arranged marriages, slavery, etc.

...but it's in the smaller things as well. Subtle things like gestures related to local superstitions or religions. How people greet each other. Eating rituals or what they snack on. How respect or rudeness is conveyed. What's joked about and what's taboo.

It's all the tiny everyday details that really enrich a story and make it feel 'real' instead of flat.

It's easier to notice rituals in Fantasy because they can be quite different from what's familiar to us, but I think rituals are just as important in contemporary books. They just aren't as noticeable.

Often small rituals evolve to centre a person, so they can be a great device to show the emotional state of a character.

To use a (perhaps) familiar example? (so I'm not spoiling other people's enjoyment of other books by over-analyzing them to death)

Triss, from TRoRS, licks her lips when she's putting on the pretence of confidence. So, before she tells a lie, to someone else, or to herself. When she's preparing to do something she doesn't want to. When she's unsure of a decision she's about to make. In times like that, she licks her lips.

Similarly to how some girls chronically check their makeup. Or someone might adjust their clothes or wipe their hands (to check for sweat).

These are all tiny, self-soothing rituals. A preparing of the mind and the body. Some may start out as intentional (like checking make-up to be battle-ready) some not so intentional. I, for example, have a bad habit of cracking my fingers/wrists/elbows/knees... for a similar reason as someone might wipe their hands... I'm nervous and it's a self-soothing ritual to break my own tension/anxiety. Sometimes I do it semi-intentionally because I know it shocks people -> so it's a good way to break the tension of an awkward silence, or to get a laugh (or shiver of disgust).

Just to be clear, what I'm talking about is different from a character-specific beats/actions** to modify dialogue... y'know, like how you shouldn't have more than one character always rolling their eyes or running a hand through their hair*** while speaking... those are often meaningless, other than making dialogue a little more visually interesting. They don't necessarily have an emotional/psychological reason behind them.


In the case of Triss, she also has her driving rituals, her music rituals, her drinking rituals, her weird-condiment rituals, and more. Some of which are intentional, some not so much, but all ingrained in her life to make her feel more in control.

Because that's what rituals do. Even if it's only in our minds.

Triss' rituals are all repeated series of actions/behaviour that make her (perhaps) a far richer character than N (the main character) since N is observing Triss' behaviours and is less aware of any self/personal rituals (though they do exist).

But that's fun too... because rituals so often become habits and we cease to notice our own until someone else points them out (like my joint-cracking-thing).


And y'know what, maybe this is just something that I like, that I care about. And I'm fine with that.

No matter what, I'm still going to get writer-crushes on authors who layer their stories with habits, rituals, etc.

...and I'm going to write characters this way too.

...and I don't care if anyone else notices them.****

I get to be selfish like that :)

Write what you love, yes?



What about you? What do you think about rituals, either in your own life, or those in stories? Can you recommend any books where you've noticed repeated actions/behaviours used as subtext to hint of a character's emotional state, or books where you've really been impressed by the depth of the world-building?


Hmmm, I also am super interested in totems/items of great sentimentality... but there's been enough nerdy-ponderings for one post, so I'll leave that for another day :)





* As a kid, the Christmas Eve ritual/tradition would involve homemade clam chowder, opening one gift which would always be new pyjamas, then my sister and I posing in front of the fireplace/stockings wearing the new pjs. Seriously... like even as teenagers we had to stand there and get our picture taken (less giddy smiles, more eye-rolling, but still...)

** There's probably a better/more specific term for this, but it's late (will do a quick dyslexic-error-hunt tomorrow before posting) and I'm tired :p Anyone who knows the term, please tell me in the comments (I love hearing when/where I'm wrong)

*** OR, the one I hate the most... the dreaded eyebrow or lip 'quirk'. If I see this more than a couple times, I will not read another book by that author. Seriously, I am not kidding. Especially if every character's face is quirking... gah!

**** Seriously, a crate full of virtual cookies to anyone who can name N's rituals. There are 3 major ones that repeat a lot and several smaller ones as well. Okay, I'll give you the most obvious one: repeating the rules when stressed out/uneasy/afraid.

Uncertainty/risk as a writer

The biggest reason I think uncertainty/risk is good for a writer to understand is that, in general, I think it's good to recognize larger patterns. We are a community of thinkers, and by stepping back, stripping away all the BS, and analyzing about how we think, how we make decisions, how we gather information, how we react, how we view reality, I think those are worthwhile pursuits, because they help us create more vivid and realistic characters and subtext.

Personally, for writers, risk/uncertainty enters our daily life, maybe in ways we don't think about.

For example, some agents post year-end query stats, which I always find really interesting to read. I’m going to make up some numbers, just to give you an idea of what I mean.

Agent A received 250 queries/week in 2014. Out of those 250 queries, s/he requested 5 manuscripts. That’s 1000 queries a month, 20 manuscripts to be read/considered. In a year, that’s 12,000 queries, 240 manuscripts to read/consider.

Out of those 240 manuscripts, Agent A takes on 3 new clients.

Do you want to do the math?

Just like wave after wave of Canadian soldiers getting gunned down, the success rate is dismally low, but every writer sends off a query letter convinced that they are going to be that 1% who survive.

Now, I’m not saying that to be discouraging.

Henry Ford said, “Whether you think you can or you think you can’t, you’re right.”

If we believe we’re going to fail, we will.

But I think it’s important to think about in terms of managing our expectations as writers. Writing is an extremely solitary state, and it can be really discouraging when others around us are succeeding -> but they are that 1%. By understanding the numbers, it puts into perspective how many other writers are in the exact same circumstance as our own. It transitions from ‘uncertainty’ to ‘risk’ when we have that awareness, when we allow it to enter our frame of focus.

Another writer I follow recently re-tweeted this article by Robin LaFevers, and the author Laini Taylor linked to a post about the blessings of not being happy all the time.

As a culture, we don’t like to talk about failure. We don’t like to be seen as losers, or whiners. It hurts our pride to be proven wrong. It’s the prevalence of this attitude that propagates stigmas around mental illness, infertility, addictions, etc. It's why people put up with abusive relationships or jobs they hate.

I myself am guilty of this. I try to only post about good things in my life, and not dwell on the bad. I often talk about my dyslexia, but it’s framed in such a way to focus on what I’ve learned, what I’m better at, or simply for humour to lighten the mood.

But for years and years I wouldn't admit to anyone that I had a learning disability because I thought people would think I was stupid. And I'm not. There's a reason I was able to hide it for 20+ years of my life.

I haven’t been blogging consistently for a while, partially due to the number of deaths/illnesses in my family, but partially because I separated with my soon-to-be-ex-husband a little over two years ago (yes, it is STILL not done...). It’s been a heavy/stressful couple of years, and often I don’t have the emotional/mental capacity to re-frame things in a good light or to see the humour in it.

I choose silence out of embarrassment, out of not wanting to look like a failure, or a whiner.

It’s out of fear.

And I’m not alone in that.

This is why we deal with uncertainty the way we do: we rationalize it or we blame others. It’s to protect our fragile ego, and all that does is propagate more uncertainty.

So, again, what does this have to do with writers? Well, as I said, we’ re pretty solitary, so we're already prone to the dangers of uncertainty. When we are hit with something bad, especially failure or rejection, what do we do?

Well, if we talked more as a community, shared more of our collective experiences, ‘uncertainty’ becomes ‘risk’. We would have the benefit of other people’s experiences, and knowing that we are not alone is a big deal in making something more manageable.

And I’m not just talking about our mental/emotional/psychological state, I’m talking about our writing.

I wrote a post last year about mining emotion from past experiences and recycling them in stories. Well, why not mine other people’s experiences as well? Wouldn’t having that range give us a wider perspective on what is and could be possible for characters, for plot?

Earnest Hemingway famously said, “There is nothing to writing. All you do is sit down at a typewriter and bleed.”

The thing is, it doesn’t have to be our blood on the page. We can reimagine our own experiences/emotions, it doesn't have to be 'write what you know' in the literal sense. We can ask other people questions, especially about the hard stuff we don't usually talk about out of fear, so we can gain knowledge/experience from them.

Do you know how many people have thanked me, in comments or via email, for being so blunt in these posts about my struggles with dyslexia? I really have no idea... but a lot.

Something I felt ashamed of for years... talking about it has helped other people.

And it's changing my perspective on it. I still will never be proud of having a learning disability, but by not hiding it, by having that conversation, it puts into perspective how many other people are/have been dealing with similar things.

Maybe my experiences can be something I pass along, for others to use.

Margaret Atwood said, “Storytelling is a very old human skill that gives us an evolutionary advantage. If you can tell young people how you kill an emu, acted out in song or dance, or that Uncle George was eaten by a croc over there, don't go there to swim, then those young people don't have to find out by trial and error.”

Writing is about sharing experiences, especially in YA/MG stories. There’s a huge push for authentic characters, authentic *voice*, authentic reactions/actions. We want readers to connect to our characters, to our stories.

And for that to happen, there has to be an emotional connection. Now, that doesn’t mean everyone has to love your main character, but they have to be interested in them, they have to understand why a character chooses something and why they react to something else. 

If the character is “too dumb to live”, the reader will put down the book in anger/frustration.

We want to believe the character is real, that if a reader was placed in a similar circumstance, with similar knowledge/skills/experience that they might make similar choices.

Notice what I did there?

Next post will be about uncertainty/risk in terms of character.

Link to an editing/typing article

Thanks, RADesilets, for the interesting link :)

Salty Flash Fiction

I know it's not Friday, but maybe you'd like to wake up slowly this Sunday morning over a Flash Fiction prompt?

Wander over to Skullduggery to play along:

Once there was a castle by the sea which beat the shore with furious waves.

...and yes, include it on your NaNo word count for the day, if you're joining in on the annual madness.

Reevaluating expectations, beagles & writing

Let me preface this post by stating that I love my dog, because it might not be clear further in...


Some people choose a dog because of aesthetics. They like the narrow, dainty grace of a whippet, the silky beauty of a golden retriever, or the hypoallergenic non-shedding quality of a poodle.

Some choose based on size appropriate for their lifestyle. A big dog for a big yard or to take along on hiking trips, while others want a low maintenance lap-sized apartment pet they rarely have to walk.

Some choose based on personality. The goofball bulldog, the family-friendly lab, the big-personality-tiny-body of a chihuahua.


Eva was chosen by my ex because he'd always wanted a beagle -> so, mostly based on the aesthetics of the breed.

I grew up with big, easily trainable, happily playful retrievers and retriever crossed breeds, german shepherds, etc.

...which are about the furthest thing away from a beagle I can imagine.

My expectations of a dog pretty much did a 180 the moment she came home. I actually remember bursting into tears several times because I was so frustrated. To put this in context, I have trained cats, I have trained fish, I have trained chickens... who are, arguably, one of natures less intelligent creatures. Patience is not something I lack. Creative work-arounds are not a problem.

But Eva? Wow. Yeah, she frustrated me.

It took months to housetrain her. I'd have her outside for 45 minutes and all she would do is sniff the ground. I'd finally give up, bring her inside to try again later, and almost immediately there'd be a puddle or a deposit on the floor.

I'd walk her 4 hours a day, invested in a weighted doggie-backpack, and she was still so crazy hyper she'd tear around in circles, literally bouncing off the walls and furniture.

She didn't want to retrieve a ball, chase a frisbee, or get in water deeper than her toes. She completely ignored me when I called her - whether I was 3' away or 30'. When I walked her, 'heel' was impossible. She'd alternatively yank at the leash, or I'd have to drag her. Anything within reach would go in her mouth. She'd dart into traffic if given half the chance, and more than once I had to chase her down the street or apologize to neighbours after she had run inside their house. A couple times, she even escaped and ran right into crowded restaurants.

With Eva, I had to reevaluate my expectations, then revise them. And keep revising them.

After six and a half years raising/training Eva, these are my expectations:

She needs at least 2km of walking before she can be trusted off-leash, and even then I can't let her out of sight and have to always be aware of what on the ground might be considered tasty.

(note: my latest discovery is that bear poop gives her diarrhoea. yeah, this is my dog...)

Nine out of ten times she'll come/respond when I call her, unless it rained the previous day, then it's about 50/50, and if there's a child in the vicinity, there's zero chance she'll listen unless she's on leash. Eva will chase a ball or frisbee 6-8 times before getting bored and wandering off. If she finds an escape hole in the fence when I visit my parent's house, she won't find her way back, she'll invite herself into the first open door she sees and make herself comfortable. She has three phone numbers on her tag depending on the city she might escape in, which is especially helpful when this happens.

Yes, I do love my dog, but she is very high maintenance and never 100% trustworthy.


I find any new story is the same way. It never quite works like the last one, and even when it is working, it may not last.

Characters come differently, voice comes differently. Plot explodes in a mess of jagged phrases, or is pried out sentence by careful sentence.

But just like I love my dog, I love writing. And a big part of it is because it's not easy.*

There's a line from SCARLIGHT which might be one of the 'truest' things I've written, something that reflects back a little too much of myself:

Things aren’t better when they’re free, they’re just easier to discard when you use them up.

...and like Eva, I'm not looking for easy, or free. There's little-to-no worth in something that doesn't take hard work, that doesn't take a little bit of sweat, of soul, of blood.


I've known people who throw things away. Who constantly chase that ephemeral oasis called 'happiness' on the horizon. And they are the unhappiest people I've ever met.


Sometimes I joke that nothing I write is publishable. Sometime I even believe it. But I never give myself an excuse to slack off, to expect anything less than the best I can give it.

In everything, not just in writing.

I think that's the greatest gift dyslexia has given me.

I don't want the excuse.

I don't want free.

I don't want easy.

I want to know I've done my absolute best, that I've worked to the frayed edge of my ability.

For me, that is the ultimate validation, so if-and-when I fail, I'm going to reevaluate my expectations, continue to move forward, and I'm going to appreciate every small win along the way.


So thanks, Eva, for many tears of frustration and for testing the limits of my patience and sanity for every single one of the (approximately) 2,300 days that I've owned you.

I think you've prepped me well :)


So, until my arm/back is healed and I can sit at my desk (without my ribs popping out) and I can type (without my arm going numb), I'm still going to smile, I'm still going to take the high-road, and I'm not going to take the excuse and give up.

My mind/brain still works just fine, and that's not a small win -> that's huge.



*I also have an extremely temperamental rescue cat, who I picked out... so yeah, I'm always going for the challenge :)

I think I finally got her...

Stress + insomnia = state of delirium...

And... and I think I finally got Kell. Don't know if you remember, but this is the character that never smiles. I didn't write much, it was more like I edited a pre-existing scene.

(first-draft, very rusty since I haven't been writing in a very long time... so be kind)

“Tell me,” I say, and flip to a new page.

Her gaze slides off to the side, refusing to meet mine, but her face is slowly composing itself again, the tattered shreds of her calm exterior re-knitting. It doesn’t look easy, but it looks… skillful. Well practiced, but not rehearsed. Necessary. Essential.

“There was a fire.”

“An accident?”

She starts to shakes her head, then nods instead, a deliberate chop of her chin. Her wind-ripped eyes are tired now, all the storm in them suddenly blown out, exhausted. Beaten. She hugs herself, like she’s cold.

Then she stares straight at me and her lips twist, they twist into something grotesque. This is a smile, this is what a smile should look like, lifted corners, curved mouth, rounded cheeks, but there’s nothing soft or sweet here. Not a line or shape or shadow that isn’t sharp, festering, and radiating hostility.

Voice & Character Motivations

Of all the components that add up into a good story, 'Voice' is probably the one I'm most confident in.

Grammar and pacing are the two biggest things I struggle with, but let's go back to the whole Voice thing.

I love Voice.

If Voice is good, a reader can forgive a lot...

But there's a downside (or so I've learned) to being able to easily slip into the Voice of a character.

You can get sucked so deeply into the main character's Voice, that you lose the big picture. You can't pull back the focus and examine the other characters, see what they want, how they will naturally react, etc.

Your perception narrows to a single viewpoint.

Good for Voice, bad for plot progression when you need another character to move/act and push the story forward.

...and I wonder if I get too indulgent...

Especially when I read back through a scene and realize that I've referred to a very famous (and respected) artist as, "... suckling at the addictive teat of Jungian psychotherapy..."


Jay's no-filter Voice is... perhaps a little addictive for me?

...'cause it takes a lot for me to lose my own filter, and when it's gone, I really do say things like:

"I wouldn't climb into a stranger's van for candy, but if he held up a nice bordeaux, I'd hop right in!"

(This is why I should not ever be on Twitter. I am not to be trusted with communication methods that are not editable)


This post has a point, I swear.

I've been character-motivation-blocked in SCARLIGHT because Jay's Voice is so... addictive? I can't break away and figure out what Kell wants, and where I currently am in the story, she's just wrestled control away from Jay. It's now her move to call the shots and... and... and...


'Out, damned spot, out I say!'

(cue loud throat clearing)

'Out, damned Jay, out I say!'

(casually thwacks side of head to rattle brain back into position)


Okay, this is getting me nowhere...

Any brilliant ideas/suggestions?

Sharp Flash Fiction

...yes, you see that right. A new flash fiction prompt for today is up at Skullduggery. Come over and play along.


The white stucco house on the corner of 12th and Birch has a guillotine in their front yard.