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Well, since everyone was kind enough to vote and tell me which story they wanted, here's the beginning of scene #2, and this time we're switching into Hector's viewpoint (the story alternates between the two brothers, but not every scene).
***
Hector followed Simon down the stairs and into the first lounge. As they approached the door to the salon, he could hear a number of tired, female voices bickering and gossiping. He hung back as Simon knocked on the half-open door, then followed his brother inside.
Amongst the red sofas, ladies were lounging, drinking and picking bite-sized delicacies from painted glass trays carried by small serving girls. Tall and furious, the madam strode over and hit Simon’s face with her open palm.
“What did you do to the girl?”
I've got to know, what did he do? That's a great hook at the end. I sure wouldn't put the story down at that point.
ReplyDeleteTalk about describing a setting - and then hitting home with the POV - well done six.
ReplyDeleteGreat description with this six. I wonder what happened with the girl?
ReplyDeleteI agree...great description. But oh my...I feel sorry for Simon! I definitely want more!
ReplyDeleteI think I missed the voting thing... ooo the Madam - very nice but I feel I missed something - I liked the word "tired"
ReplyDeleteNow I need to know what he did. Love your snippet!
ReplyDeleteGreat snippet here. You manage tension very well -- I'd certainly HAVE to read on.
ReplyDeleteYou're six sentences fell at a perfect place. And I won't tell what happens next :}
ReplyDeleteOuch! Love the description, and totally did not see that last line coming!
ReplyDeleteVery nice!
ReplyDeleteOoh, I want to know what he did! A good six.
ReplyDeleteOh, my! Don't piss her off. Great six!
ReplyDelete"tired, female voices bickering and gossiping" -- nice bit of characterization of the narrator!
ReplyDeleteI didn't know it was possible to fit so much in six sentences.
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Egad! What did he do the the girl? Nice setting the place and great writing. Super six!
ReplyDeleteI KNEW the Madam would be interesting! Now what?
ReplyDeleteBarb
Sounds like he has some explaining to do. Great visual imagery.
ReplyDeleteWell, what did he do??? need to read more. Loved it great six.
ReplyDeleteOkay, you got me. More more more, now now now.
ReplyDelete@ writeidea
ReplyDeletehahaha... took me a second to figure out who you are since you used a different name last time you commented ;) Yup, you better not give away what happens next! ...what do you think? Has the beginning improved (enough) since you last read it?
@ everyone asking what Simon did...
...if you've been following along (or read the SSS tab), he touched her hair which caused, well, a tantrum to say the least...
My word what a cliff-hanging final sentence. Awesome 6.
ReplyDeleteWhat a great six and cliffhanger
ReplyDeleteDescriptive setting & and wallop at the end. Nice.
ReplyDeleteThat drew me right into the scene.
ReplyDeleteNice six.
ReplyDeleteIs this from a WIP?
Wonder what he did Nice 6!
ReplyDelete'Tall and furious' is fabulous in its simplicity. Terrific six!
ReplyDeleteFAB hook! (And I want to go to that gathering!)
ReplyDeleteGreat description and the smack-then-question tied things up very nicely with tension. Any reader would probably feel compelled to continue going.
ReplyDeleteHmmm. I love how there is so much going on with the girl that we don't know or understand a the moment. Did Simon's action trigger something in her or would any action have brought on this response. Can't wait for more!
ReplyDeleteNow this opens up a whole bunch of questions! Great six!
ReplyDeleteI want to know what he did to the girl too!
ReplyDeleteGreat cliffhanger! Loved the tired bickering, gossiping voices.
ReplyDeleteSuch a vivid scene. Loved the description of the women. Has almost an Alice in Wonderland feel to it. Great work!
ReplyDeleteWow, great ending. The beginning of the scene is nicely done, I could picture it as I read.
ReplyDeleteGreat description! I want to read more. Felt like I was in that scene. Great six!
ReplyDeleteInteresting reaction from the Madam--the girl went from bad to worse, from totally unresponsive to screaming fit when Simon touched her hair. Suspenseful in how the Madam means to use this and how Simon can possibly turn it around. Intriguing six!
ReplyDeleteYou can't stop there! Keep going!
ReplyDeleteSounds like somebody is in BIG trouble! And I think he is getting the brunt of it. Poor guy!
ReplyDeleteUh oh. I wonder if he was as shocked as I was--and what did he do to the girl?
ReplyDeleteYikes! Great snippet. Kind of feel sorry for Simon though. :)
ReplyDelete