Saturday, May 14, 2011

When you just run out of words

So, a week ago, I mentioned a frustrating afternoon.

I won't say why I was frustrated, or at who. The point is I got frustrated. For me, that's rare. Despite being a <near-clinically> obsessed person, I'm really laid back when it comes to other people. Crap just kind of rolls off my back. I don't dwell, I don't vent, I don't hold a grudge or plot revenge. Usually I just forget about it.

...and that frustrates the hell out of a lot of people...

On the rare occasion I do get frustrated or angry, I stop talking. I run out of words. The moment I realize that I'm not in full control of myself, I just shut up 'cause I know there's no point in trying to effectively communicate while in that state.

This'll probably sounds like an odd admission from someone with a writing blog, but I'm not good with words.

What I mean is, I'm not good with expressing myself verbally. When emotions run high, all eloquence tends to disappear and the words just dry up.

Which frustrates me further.

I get this ball of tension in my chest that just sort of grows and squeezes. A chaotic flurry of thoughts and emotions that are stuck. That I can't explain away or tear out.

I also get frustrated when I write, or when I'm trying to write and the words just won't come.

What always makes me feel better is a walk or run in the rain. Better yet, a storm. There's just something about the driving energy, the slash and cold of the rain, the howl and tug of the wind... a greater whorl of chaos that's larger and infinitely more important than myself and my own tiny frustrations. It calms me down, it pumps me up, it raises my mood and brings a goofy grin to my face. There's just something so amazing about the rawness, the uncomplicated and unemotional surge of sensation that you get from being chilled, battered and soaked to the skin. I always feel alive again. It puts the fight back in me and washes the numbness from my bones.

Last week when I got back from my walk, I dried off, warmed up, then sat down and fell into my story (project #2) until I looked up and it was 2am.

Sometimes getting frustrated is a good thing. It can kick you out of that slump or push you to beat your head until something makes sense.

It's a good thing I have a waggly-tailed little partner who's willing to head out into the storm with me, and I'll happily tolerate the wet dog smell when she sleeps on my lap after getting back.

...and it's good that I live in a part of the world that sees a lot of rain :)

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Type me out a line of Shakespeare or a line of nonsense. Dumb-blonde-jokes & Irish jokes will make me laugh myself silly :)