BUT, I found this query hop today (my first real? day of being back online) and I love queries, writing them, reading them, etc, so I thought it'd be fun to join in and get some feedback.
And the extra cool thing about it, is it's fine for WIP's too.
Since I'm a pantsing-style writer, I honestly don't know how the story is going to end yet, so my query is currently a little vague, other than the character arc/decision hanging over Jay's head. That, I always know :)
So, here we go!
Already famous at seventeen, Jason (Jay) Walker is an artist obsessed with light, but unlike the Impressionist painter, Monet, Jay would rather capture the reflective ripple of scar tissue instead of a sunrise over water.
Bored with the overly groomed, emotionally-cold girls from his elite private school, Jay wants to paint Kell, or rather the scars she hides under long-sleeved hoodies and skinny jeans. Twice a week, Jay ditches his tedious Art class to meet her in the cemetery which separates his school from the public fine-arts school she attends. Through an odd game of trading scars, and a little blackmail, he convinces Kell to be his next model.
Jay only wanted to capture her torn surface, but after he starts working, he can’t help but want to paint it all, every layer down to the depths of her soul. But soon, Kell starts changing. With every session his work gets better, and she becomes colder, her eyes duller, and her wild emotions flatline.
And he realizes, the same thing happened to all his past subjects.
Jay is sure to win another award for his new work, but this time is different. This time, he knows it’s happening, and this time, it’s Kell. He’s not sure if he’s willing to sacrifice her for another cash prize, press write-up, and the fat scholarship he’s been offered to a famous art school.
What’s worse, he’s not sure if he can give up painting on the slim chance it might save her.
SCARLIGHT is an in-progress YA Magical Realism based off the old superstition that a photo can steal a piece of your soul.
"Hiii!" *Jay waves back* "I'm a Jay too but I'm not famous at all becauthe I don't want to be and I think you're doing a really meany binding and you need to stop it. Duh. Humans always make things complicated when they're not at all!"
ReplyDelete... also, I am quite curious HOW he convinced her to do that .... and if she realizes what is happening to her and can't make herself stop as well...
*snort* you crack me up Alcar :)
DeleteShe doesn't realize what's happening -> essentially, her soul (emotions) are being drained into the painting.
And when you ask 'how he convinced her to do that', are you asking about the blackmail? Don't worry, she does properly agree... he isn't holding her hostage or anything :)
Ah! I had assumed she would realize it at some level (or a friend make some comment that leads to some level of 'what if'). I suppose, from my POV, it would be an additional challenge if Jay convinces himself that *Kell* might want this to happen as well...
DeleteDonny's going to figure it out first... and let Jay have it :D
DeleteWow. This query had my heart racing. I’d definitely flip to the pages to see if they capture the same sense of thrill! Just a few suggestion to help it shine even more:
ReplyDelete- As much as I loved the query overall, I’m not sure I understood the first sentence. At least, I don’t get how Jay’s obsession with light has to do with his desire to capture the reflective ripple of scar tissue. I’d ditch the light thing because it’s never really capitalized on and go with something simpler: “Jason “Jay” Walker is a seventeen-year-old prodigy with a paint brush. But unlike the Monets and Van Goghs of the world, he’d rather capture the ripple of scar tissue than a sunrise over the water.”
- In the second paragraph, is Jay bored with painting the private school girls or bored with them in general? You’re going in two different directions here, so the parallel doesn’t quite work.
- I think the A in art class is lowercase.
- Instead of “gets better” I think you could be more specific. More lifelike?
- I’d delete “and he realizes.” Just go with “The same thing happened to his past subjects.” Super foreboding.
- The it’s in “he knows it’s happening,” is ambiguous. What is it’s?
Great stakes at the end. This is certainly the type of creepy story I’d read. Good luck with finishing it (mine’s a WIP query too) and Happy Holidays!
@AshleyHearn
Ah, the art movement 'Impressionism' got its name from Monet's famous painting of a sunrise... hence the reference. Good catch that I didn't mention light again in the query... It's what he's obsessed with, so it is important.
DeleteThanks for your other comments, definitely gives me things to think about. I haven't figured out whether he can actually 'save' Kell or not yet... toying with a few different directions with that :)
As an artist this had me interested and as a reader I was intrigued by the concept.
ReplyDeleteHowever, the first ½ of the QL reads a little like a synopsis. Now, given the topic/theme, I was OK with that as you were trying to establish a time/place/scene – but a lot of people would not be so I would suggest shaving this back a little.
Even so, the second half had me wanting and asking questions, and not the kind you necessarily want. By devoting so much word-real-estate to the set-up, you’ve left out (for me) the crucial bits that would make me want to read the pages. As I say you set-up the scared girl well, but then, without any real explanation, a girl who hides her scars suddenly gets into “a game of trading scars” – this was interesting to me but you wiped over it like it was nothing & I felt a little cheated.
You then go on to say someone (I’m assuming Jay) used blackmail. I’ve taken the leap with you and assumed you mean Jay blackmailed Kell into letting him pain her scars by threatening to expose them? OK, I can see how this would be intriguing in the story, but now I think Jay is a selfish, deceitful arsehole that I have no interest in knowing or backing. Perhaps that’s the point? If so, I’d like to understand why I should care about Jay.
The balance of the QL goes into synopsis mode again and by the time I’d finished it, your story reminded me of an old movie I watched one night around 2am when I couldn’t sleep. I don’t recall the name, or even the actors but I’m guessing it was made in the 1970s. It was about some young guy inheriting a painting. The guy had scars (physical) and, then on staring at the painting, the scars disappeared. This went on and on, with the painting taking all the physical ailments, even ageing, away and absorbing it into the painting. The guy never aged but he changed – a lot – and in the end, he paid the price, as we all do. I wish I could recall the name of the movie, or even one of the actors –sorry!
Overall, I liked the concept, but I didn’t like the MC and I’m struggling to see the stakes, other than the MC selfishly looking out for his own interests again. Still, this is a draft and as such, has the bones of a strong query.
Yup, Jay's pretty much an arrogant, entitled jerk at the beginning of the story :) He does improve though... after all, a character doesn't have to be likeable, they just have to be interesting ;)
DeleteAll my characters fall squarely in the 'unlikable' category :)
Thanks for the comments on parts that bothered you... since I have only written about half the story, that's one of the reasons there's more set-up... because I have no idea how it ends :)
And no, he doesn't threaten to expose her scars... he doesn't actually blackmail her at all, he blackmails the administration of his school. Like I said, entitled & arrogant :) But good call, I will try to make that a little more clear.
The movie you're referencing sounds like 'The Picture of Dorian Grey', actually originally a novel by Oscar Wilde, but yes, they did make a movie out of it:
http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/The_Picture_of_Dorian_Gray
My story is not based on that novel.
Hi there!
ReplyDeleteI like your story concept, and for a WIP I thinks it's quite well developed. My only comment is that I didn't get a strong sense of the magical element. After reading your query for the 2nd time, I saw a hint of it in the middle of your query, but it didn't jump out at me. If magic is a important element of your story, than I would suggest making that clearer in your query letter.
Other than that, I think you have a wonderful start.
Good luck!
Magical Realism usually only has one small component of the fantastical... and it's often never explained. Other than that one component, all the normal rules of reality apply. This genre is quite different from 'fantasy'. I was raised on a steady diet of Kafka & Poe, so MR is kindof my fall-back 'comfort-zone' genre to write.
DeleteThe magical quality in this story is the fact that Jay is unknowingly 'capturing' Kell's soul while he's painting her.
I really like the premise of the novel! I wasn't familiar with magical realism before so appreciated the primer as I went along in the comments. I like that the query focuses on two main characters. It makes it really easy to follow along without any confusion on reference. I agree with what some others have said - at times, it does read more synopsis than query. I think it might just need to be trimmed down a bit and you can accomplish that. I feel like the stakes are a bit subtle and could be spelled out more. I see this is still a work in progress, so perhaps more to come. I want to know more about this big conflict - it sounds like he really needs/wants this scholarship and he can really give her something if he chooses instead to keep painting. I want to know more since that seems very important here. Sounds super interesting though. Best of luck as you finish!
ReplyDeleteYou're right, I do need to focus more on the scholarship... as that is his primary motivating factor at the beginning of the story.
DeleteI know MR isn't as well known as many of the other genres, but I find it super helpful to have non-MR readers check the query because they will obviously have a different outlook of what is/is not important.
Thanks for taking the time to comment :)
Art class to meet her--art class unless it's a specific one.
ReplyDelete<< Already famous at seventeen, Jason (Jay) Walker is an artist obsessed with light, but unlike the Impressionist painter, Monet, Jay would rather capture the reflective ripple of scar tissue instead of a sunrise over water.>>
I'm sorry I can't give you much help with this. It's a great query in my opinion. I think it and the story will get a lot of attention.
Julie
Good hook. I immediately think of Kincaid, painter of light.
<< And he realizes, the same thing happened to all his past subjects.>>
Money line. This is great. Boom!
Thanks :) I've gotten so many good comments, I'm pretty excited to re-work my query.
DeleteAlready famous at seventeen, Jason (Jay) Walker is an artist obsessed with light, but unlike the Impressionist painter, Monet, Jay would rather capture the reflective ripple of scar tissue instead of a sunrise over water.
ReplyDelete[Bored with the overly groomed, emotionally-cold girls from his elite private school, Jay wants to paint Kell-I THINK THIS LINE COULD BE TIGHTENED, DO WE NEED TO KNOW SO MUCH ABOUT THE GIRLS FROM HIS SCHOOL? I THINK YOU COULD FOCUS ON HOW HE MET KELL HERE], or rather the scars she hides under long-sleeved hoodies and skinny jeans. [Twice a week, Jay ditches his tedious Art class to meet her in the cemetery which separates his school from the public fine-arts school she attends. Through an odd game of trading scars, and a little blackmail, he convinces Kell to be his next model.-THIS FEELS LIKE TOO MUCH, LIKE YOUR QUERY LETTER IS MORE OF A SYNOPSIS.]
Jay only wanted to capture her torn surface, but after he starts working, he can’t help but want to paint it all, every layer down to the depths of her soul. UNTIL Kell starts changing. With every session his work gets better, and she becomes colder, her eyes duller, and her wild emotions flatline.
[DELETE And he realizes,]the same thing happened to all his past subjects.
[Jay is sure to win another award for his new work, but this time is different.-I DON'T THINK YOU NEED THIS LINE ]This time, he knows it’s happening, and this time, it’s Kell.[DELETE He’s not sure if he’s] IS HE willing to sacrifice her for[DELETE another cash prize, press write-up, and] the fat scholarship he’s been offered to a famous art school.
[What’s worse, he’s not sure if he can give up painting on the slim chance it might save her.-I THINK THIS JUST RESTATES WHAT WAS ALREADY SAID IN THE LAST LINE, RIGHT?]
The premise here is really great. I think you've got a good query, but some points felt repetitive and you added a few lines that spiraled into synopsis territory for me. I added my thoughts in ALL CAPS so they'd stand out, not because I'm yelling at you. :) Good luck. This definitely sounds like something I'd read.
It's certainly helpful when more than one person comments on the same things :)
Deletethanks!
Oh, and no that last line doesn't restate. The previous lines were hinting at him choosing Kell over the cash/fame/scholarship, and then the final line is kindof a, 'on the other hand...' he has no idea if giving up all those things WILL save Kell.
DeleteHi there,
ReplyDeleteYour story concept is definitely intriguing. It seems well thought out, even though it is still WIP. And your first couple of paragraphs do a good job describing Jay, who is your main protagonist. However the third one is a little vague and I didn’t quite understand what is happening to make Kell suddenly start to change. I know the query does not have to provide ALL of the details, but just a little more explanation might be good here.
Other than that I don’t have too many comments apart from what the others have already pointed out.
Wishing you all the best with your book!
-Sarovar
Yes, the 'not knowing exactly why Kell is changing', that's part of the whole Magical Realism thing. I always reference Kafka's short story "The Metamorphosis" as a great example of MR, because most North American kids have to read it in school at some point...
DeleteGregor wakes up transformed into a large insect-like creature, and it's never explained why it happens, rather, the story is about him adjusting/coming to terms with it.
So yes, Jay is 'somehow' draining Kell's emotions, but the story isn't about the how/why, it's about what to do after he realized what is going on... the decisions after.
Already famous at seventeen, Jason (Jay) Walker is an artist obsessed with light, but unlike the Impressionist painter, Monet, Jay would rather capture the reflective ripple of scar tissue instead of a sunrise over water. {I think this is a little too long for a first sentence of a query - and a lot of information}
ReplyDeleteBored with the overly groomed, emotionally-cold girls from his elite private school, Jay wants to paint Kell, {at first I thought that Kell was just different from the other girls at his school, but reading further, I realized that she goes to another school completely. Maybe there would be a better way to phrase this to avoid confusion? How did he meet her?}
or rather the scars she hides under long-sleeved hoodies and skinny jeans. {How does he know she has those scars if she hides them?}
Twice a week, Jay ditches his tedious Art class to meet her in the cemetery which separates his school from the public fine-arts school she attends. Through an odd game of trading scars, and a little blackmail, he convinces Kell to be his next model. {this confuses me, but intrigues me at the same time so I like it - might even be a way to start your query with this...}
Jay only wanted to capture her torn surface, but after he starts working, he can’t help but want to paint it all, every layer down to the depths of her soul. But soon, Kell starts changing. With every session his work gets better, and she becomes colder, her eyes duller, and her wild emotions flatline. {Interesting!}
And he realizes, the same thing happened to all his past subjects. {he suddenly realizes this now? After how many others? Why suddenly?}
Jay is sure to win another award for his new work, but this time is different. This time, he knows it’s happening, and this time, it’s Kell. He’s not sure if he’s willing to sacrifice her for another cash prize, press write-up, and the fat scholarship he’s been offered to a famous art school. {gives a good image of Jay}
What’s worse, he’s not sure if he can give up painting on the slim chance it might save her. {I'm a little unclear as to what the stakes are - he can either finish the painting and it kind of takes her soul and he loses her - or he can stop painting but he's not sure that'll save her?}
I really like the idea behind the story!
Hope this helps!
Good luck! :)
Thank you! You really hit the points that bothered you clearly.
Delete