200 words:
I knew it would be an ugly morning when the smell of scotch was stronger than the smell of coffee.
My boss was holding the mug, which doubled the ugliness factor, then tripled it, considering it was Friday, and the numbers from last quarter would be in by now.
Was I about to get fired?
She sipped her coffee, both hands wrapped around the black ceramic mug, long red painted nails tapping out the intimate rhythm of an unknown song. I wiped my palms on my pants and straightened my tie.
“Eddie, I want you to take a look at your client list and tell me why you’re here.” She parks a sheet of heavy-gauge paper with embossed edges on the desk.
I glance down the list of names, only first names, of course, scrawled in her sharp, confident calligraphy. Beside them are dollar figures. Dollar figures that look a little too low.
“I’ve invested in you, and your career. Contacts to give your eyes a touch of green, and the personal trainer to sculpt those biceps. They’re not here for conversation, they’re here to spend money, so let them. More champagne, Eddie. Get them drinking the good stuff.”
Ok - I think you wrote this one too quickly, really, and can’t imagine how tired you are.
ReplyDeleteSecond sentence - doubled and maybe a preposition missing?
Where does the scotch come in?
Why intimate rhythm ?
Only first names is ok - could be anything - though could also have duplicates of names, would be better if client numbers, maybe
Contacts for green eyes rather than red perhaps? Why would he have to be bulked up?
They’re here to spend money.... I know you like to leave your stories open ended but this one has a crater at the end :D
Eddie works at a host club ;)
DeleteYup, very quickly written :p I was intending it to be longer but... I'm just totally exhausted & burned out.
And that's okay.
I fulfilled the promise (to myself) to write one of these every Friday, no matter what's going on.
Huh. Seems too short to me and I did not get the host club part at all on first read; it's almost too ambiguous. Also, are contacts THAT expensive? But for 10 minutes and being brain-dead you did better than I would have.
ReplyDeleteHell, the one I did was written, scrapped entirely, done from another POV and still doesn't work anyway, so I should not be offering comment at all :p
Hahaha, then we both had trouble with this line ;)
DeleteHey, I loved the first line. I liked where it was going and wanted to see more.
ReplyDeleteApparently my brain did not want to see where it was going :P
DeleteSo, I'm sorry, no more :)
Feel free to take it wherever you want to!