Is this better? Is it clearer that the body in the trunk isn't in there the same day Dave & Sam ask for a ride? Does the *crazy is relative* line make more sense now? I got it down to 245 words now.
Saturday, December 10, 2011
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My guess is 18. Triss sounds fun! :) Cool story and a great hook in the first 245 words!
ReplyDeleteI'm assuming she's the same age as Triss. Early twenties. 22ish.
ReplyDeleteI like this version much better—it's fluid and there's no confusion. Great revision! =)
ReplyDelete@ Amanda
ReplyDeletethanks for coming back and commenting on the new version :)
since I'm dyslexic, my first drafts often have really long sentences that are quite confusing, so I really do rely on beta-readers and commenters who are kind enough to slap me and point out where I went wrong :)
It's quite clear now, although I already knew. I guess that's because I've followed the story from the start though. As for your MC, I know the age so won't comment :-)
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