I've been completely offline since my last post, except for a couple email-checks on my phone.
As ridiculous as it sounds, I've been absolutely terrified to log on and re-read my last post.
...and read any responses to it...
'cause the rational ride of my brain is still screaming at me to take it down. That it isn't professional. That, by posting it, I look like a crazy whiner who's rambling away about things no one cares about. Interestingly, I lost 3 followers.
But so much more important then that... was you guys who commented. Who wished me well. Who, instead of knocking me down, built me up.
Thank you, for your kind words.
One of the major downsides of always being 'the bigger person' and never showing when I'm hurt/vulnerable, is that I rarely get comfort/support from those around me.
So, really, thank you. I read them, and re-read them like 6 times before starting to type this post, and I will probably re-read them again several times.
...as for my update on the list I was making?
1) Stop taking the muscle relaxants/anti-inflamatories... I lasted until the afternoon and had to go back on them 'cause my back was seizing up and it was hard to breathe. So, a big fail on that one.
EDIT: to clarify, because of the decompression treatments, the scar tissue on my rib cage breaking down, and the weak muscles around my spine, the muscles relaxants/anti-inflammatories aren't for pain, they are for preventing any repeated *spasms* during healing/strengthening of the weak muscles, like my last ferry trip, which ended up causing more damage. I only have to take them for another few days as I have been diligent with keeping up with the necessary exercises at home to help stretch the ligaments, and strengthen the appropriate muscles. I just didn't like them 'cause they give me brain-fog :)
2) I'm reading "Shape of Water", by Anne Spollen
3) Haven't written anything yet... but I am slowly working through a MS critique for someone. Also, nagging edit-possibilities for "Brake Fluid" have been miring around in the dark corners of my brain.
4) Victoria Film Festival: I've been to 9 movies so far, I'll go to 2 tonight, 3 or 4 on Saturday (probably only 3), and 3 on Sunday.
The festival has been awesome. Just what I needed... to fill my brain with new stimuli. So many amazing movies that are giving me all kinds of crazy ideas.
5) The selfish thing... not there yet :)
One other thing I've been avoiding... but the deadline is closing fast. Next Thursday (Feb. 14th), I'm *moving* to Vancouver for a while. Not sure how long yet...
...'cause the biggest hit I've taken lately, the one that blindsided me on January 03, was my husband came back from Victoria and told me he wants to separate/divorce. We've known each other since Grade 10/high-school. This June would be our 10 year anniversary. We've been together more than 1/2 our lives.
And this news, completely out of the blue, was absolutely devastating.
...which is why I didn't reply to comments from my Jan 03 post until the 9th. The two posts that went up after that were pre-set up to go, and it took me until the 12th to even get my head together enough to write a new post.
For now, we're doing the trial separation thing. Him in Victoria, in the witch's hut. Me in Vancouver, in the condo, with the pets.
...and yes, I do find it ironic that I'm officially separating on Valentines Day.
So, I'm slowly getting my head on straight. Thanks for your patience, and again, thank you so very much for your heartfelt words & support.
I hope everyone has a wonderful weekend full of sunshine, smiles, and happy thoughts :)
Oh, hell :(ReplyDelete
(rest via email....)
Thanks, Alcar. I'm going to miss you after I move :(Delete
Oh man. Dude, I know I don't really know you, but I really feel for you. That's awful. There's not a whole lot I can say, other than sending you lots of virtual hugs and my sincerest hopes that everything works out the way that it needs to in order to give you some peace with all this.ReplyDelete
Thanks, TL. Virtual-hug right back at you :)Delete
I haven't been around the blogs much lately, but I did go back and read through the post.ReplyDelete
Everyone deserves a good rant when life sucks big time. Poor Dear, you've been through a lot. I'm hoping life can only go up from here. Don't be ashamed to wallow once in a while, but hopefully you'll take a kick ass attitude and show life you won't let it beat you; you'll survive this and the ex and nay sayers will hang their heads that they misjudged you.
One caution; careful messing with the meds. My sister lives her life with a ton of meds to keep away her authentic pain after having nerve surgery on her back. People around her fear she has become addicted to the meds so she frequently tries to get through her day without them. To her detriment.
If you are in serious pain, and need the meds to function in whatever limited fashion, then perhaps stopping them could cause you serious harm. Living with pain takes an emotional toll, and pile on shit from life and . . well, you see how a person with disabilities could doubt themselves.
If slow and steady is the best you can do, then I hope you find something every day that you can celebrate as an accomplishment. Even if that is just smiling at yourself in the mirror and saying "I did OK today."
You do know that selfishness doubles as a self preservation mechanism; same as anger? Lets you know you can still feel something and that is a good thing, as long as you need it.
Take care of you Hon. It looks like you are still finding some joy and beauty in the world, and that too is a good thing.
As for losing followers; well, blogger drops me from blogs all the time. It could be a random blogger thing. If not, well can't please everyone right?
I added a bit to my post to clarify about the meds. Not a permanent thing, and nothing I could get addicted to. It just keeps the healing muscles from locking up/spasming while they are getting stretched & strengthened.Delete
I really appreciate your concern :)
My liver actually doesn't break down pain killers, so I haven't taken them in years... except for 2 days last week following the "ferry incident", and honestly, I didn't even notice a change in the pain, so I stopped as there was no point in taking them.
One of the primary philosophies I try to live by, is that a person can't spread happiness if they themselves are not happy. All good things in life have to start within before they can be shared with others.
So, even with all of this... anger isn't an emotion I'm feeling. Yes, I feel betrayed, yes, I feel like my sense of self has been torn asunder, yes, I'm not sure how I will translate my world view from 'we' into 'I'. I can only adapt a little, day by day, and make choices that are uplifting, rather than wallow in despair or other destructive, self-indulgent mires.
I can only change myself, I can't change others. I can hate the situation, but I can't hate the people involved. It's just not in me.
As for the followers thing... I was thinking, it's good. If I scare readers off for showing my *human* side, then they were probably not people I want to know :)
The stark contrast between that, and people like you who offered heartfelt words of encouragement... that truly proves there is beauty and joy, no matter how bleak the current circumstances.
So thank you :)
Oh heck. I send you hugs. What a shock. I wish you the mental space and energy and everything you need to sort through this.ReplyDelete
Thank you, VitLit.Delete
I suppose that's what I'm seeking right now... the mental space/energy. A place where I can breathe without it hurting.
Walking my dog helps :) Fresh, ocean air and crisp wind on my skin.
:( I wish there was something I could say or do to make this better. All of it. If you ever need to just vent, but don't want to do it on the blog, you can just email me. I'll read/listen. And send you virtual hugs and chocolate.ReplyDelete
Thank you, Cristina :)Delete
That truly means a lot :) I may take you up on that, after I have my head sorted enough to actually know what I'm thinking/feeling. I think I'm just now coming out of the *shock* stage.
Your three lost followers prob have nothing to do with the blog.ReplyDelete
One of the purposes of blogging is to meet new people, real people. Your post demonstrated there is a real human being behind the monitor. You are allowed to act human and not be the professional cool writer 100% of the time.
You are not a crazy whiner We all whine and vent and show emotions.
Friends support each other period. It is clear you’ve never had good friends. You do now, obviously judging from the comments especially Donna
Glad the film festival was going on just when you needed it and you were smart enough to take advantage of it.
And frankly big step forward mentioning the husband
It’s not too cold but sunny making the left over snow sparkle. Just back from brunch with a friend
I'm still jealous you have snow, even if it does make it harder to get around :)Delete
I've moved too many times to make many *real* friends, other than the online ones, so I deeply appreciate how many people have replied to the last couple posts, or emailed me directly.
I'd rather have 5 *real* friends than a hundred acquaintances ;)