tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3499819998811995494.post7984781124550939432..comments2024-03-08T05:27:56.968-08:00Comments on 1000th.monkey: I use a mac, not a typewriter: Query blog hop1000th.monkeyhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/16835988128285459745noreply@blogger.comBlogger21125tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3499819998811995494.post-78111013831556844642014-12-15T08:55:31.793-08:002014-12-15T08:55:31.793-08:00Thank you! You really hit the points that bothered...Thank you! You really hit the points that bothered you clearly.1000th.monkeyhttps://www.blogger.com/profile/16835988128285459745noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3499819998811995494.post-13389474210461201882014-12-11T11:39:57.486-08:002014-12-11T11:39:57.486-08:00Already famous at seventeen, Jason (Jay) Walker is...Already famous at seventeen, Jason (Jay) Walker is an artist obsessed with light, but unlike the Impressionist painter, Monet, Jay would rather capture the reflective ripple of scar tissue instead of a sunrise over water. {I think this is a little too long for a first sentence of a query - and a lot of information}<br /><br /><br />Bored with the overly groomed, emotionally-cold girls from his Anonymousnoreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3499819998811995494.post-59506686713586969372014-12-10T20:55:21.472-08:002014-12-10T20:55:21.472-08:00Donny's going to figure it out first... and le...Donny's going to figure it out first... and let Jay have it :D1000th.monkeyhttps://www.blogger.com/profile/16835988128285459745noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3499819998811995494.post-19161763468153773292014-12-10T20:14:11.333-08:002014-12-10T20:14:11.333-08:00Ah! I had assumed she would realize it at some lev...Ah! I had assumed she would realize it at some level (or a friend make some comment that leads to some level of 'what if'). I suppose, from my POV, it would be an additional challenge if Jay convinces himself that *Kell* might want this to happen as well...alcarhttps://www.blogger.com/profile/14929849073911012353noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3499819998811995494.post-7930350306285689692014-12-08T21:33:56.367-08:002014-12-08T21:33:56.367-08:00Yes, the 'not knowing exactly why Kell is chan...Yes, the 'not knowing exactly why Kell is changing', that's part of the whole Magical Realism thing. I always reference Kafka's short story "The Metamorphosis" as a great example of MR, because most North American kids have to read it in school at some point... <br /><br />Gregor wakes up transformed into a large insect-like creature, and it's never explained why it 1000th.monkeyhttps://www.blogger.com/profile/16835988128285459745noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3499819998811995494.post-29441317652293106772014-12-08T21:29:27.590-08:002014-12-08T21:29:27.590-08:00Oh, and no that last line doesn't restate. The...Oh, and no that last line doesn't restate. The previous lines were hinting at him choosing Kell over the cash/fame/scholarship, and then the final line is kindof a, 'on the other hand...' he has no idea if giving up all those things WILL save Kell.1000th.monkeyhttps://www.blogger.com/profile/16835988128285459745noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3499819998811995494.post-3419280796520399602014-12-08T21:27:46.502-08:002014-12-08T21:27:46.502-08:00It's certainly helpful when more than one pers...It's certainly helpful when more than one person comments on the same things :)<br /><br />thanks!1000th.monkeyhttps://www.blogger.com/profile/16835988128285459745noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3499819998811995494.post-52459652366330855672014-12-08T15:32:05.809-08:002014-12-08T15:32:05.809-08:00Hi there,
Your story concept is definitely intrig...Hi there,<br /><br />Your story concept is definitely intriguing. It seems well thought out, even though it is still WIP. And your first couple of paragraphs do a good job describing Jay, who is your main protagonist. However the third one is a little vague and I didn’t quite understand what is happening to make Kell suddenly start to change. I know the query does not have to provide ALL of the Sarovarhttps://www.blogger.com/profile/11316586291380252373noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3499819998811995494.post-84882201837746893502014-12-08T13:12:48.038-08:002014-12-08T13:12:48.038-08:00Already famous at seventeen, Jason (Jay) Walker is...Already famous at seventeen, Jason (Jay) Walker is an artist obsessed with light, but unlike the Impressionist painter, Monet, Jay would rather capture the reflective ripple of scar tissue instead of a sunrise over water.<br /><br /><br /><br />[Bored with the overly groomed, emotionally-cold girls from his elite private school, Jay wants to paint Kell-I THINK THIS LINE COULD BE TIGHTENED, DO WE Chelly Writeshttps://www.blogger.com/profile/10795244697037344432noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3499819998811995494.post-1679262716046933562014-12-07T16:07:56.292-08:002014-12-07T16:07:56.292-08:00Thanks :) I've gotten so many good comments, I...Thanks :) I've gotten so many good comments, I'm pretty excited to re-work my query.1000th.monkeyhttps://www.blogger.com/profile/16835988128285459745noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3499819998811995494.post-66651845345979336382014-12-07T10:46:40.053-08:002014-12-07T10:46:40.053-08:00Art class to meet her--art class unless it's a...Art class to meet her--art class unless it's a specific one.<br /><br /><< Already famous at seventeen, Jason (Jay) Walker is an artist obsessed with light, but unlike the Impressionist painter, Monet, Jay would rather capture the reflective ripple of scar tissue instead of a sunrise over water.>><br /><br />I'm sorry I can't give you much help with this. It's a great Anonymousnoreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3499819998811995494.post-31562090137595647512014-12-07T08:19:41.746-08:002014-12-07T08:19:41.746-08:00You're right, I do need to focus more on the s...You're right, I do need to focus more on the scholarship... as that is his primary motivating factor at the beginning of the story.<br /><br />I know MR isn't as well known as many of the other genres, but I find it super helpful to have non-MR readers check the query because they will obviously have a different outlook of what is/is not important.<br /><br />Thanks for taking the time to1000th.monkeyhttps://www.blogger.com/profile/16835988128285459745noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3499819998811995494.post-89571909226199536112014-12-07T07:28:29.877-08:002014-12-07T07:28:29.877-08:00I really like the premise of the novel! I wasn'...I really like the premise of the novel! I wasn't familiar with magical realism before so appreciated the primer as I went along in the comments. I like that the query focuses on two main characters. It makes it really easy to follow along without any confusion on reference. I agree with what some others have said - at times, it does read more synopsis than query. I think it might just need toLara Ziobrohttps://www.blogger.com/profile/11095971411509664170noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3499819998811995494.post-39970125346098879882014-12-06T22:51:12.622-08:002014-12-06T22:51:12.622-08:00Magical Realism usually only has one small compone...Magical Realism usually only has one small component of the fantastical... and it's often never explained. Other than that one component, all the normal rules of reality apply. This genre is quite different from 'fantasy'. I was raised on a steady diet of Kafka & Poe, so MR is kindof my fall-back 'comfort-zone' genre to write.<br /><br />The magical quality in this story 1000th.monkeyhttps://www.blogger.com/profile/16835988128285459745noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3499819998811995494.post-20837740035056374372014-12-06T22:45:03.723-08:002014-12-06T22:45:03.723-08:00Yup, Jay's pretty much an arrogant, entitled j...Yup, Jay's pretty much an arrogant, entitled jerk at the beginning of the story :) He does improve though... after all, a character doesn't have to be likeable, they just have to be interesting ;)<br /><br />All my characters fall squarely in the 'unlikable' category :)<br /><br />Thanks for the comments on parts that bothered you... since I have only written about half the story,1000th.monkeyhttps://www.blogger.com/profile/16835988128285459745noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3499819998811995494.post-48800402184105643472014-12-06T22:34:04.593-08:002014-12-06T22:34:04.593-08:00Ah, the art movement 'Impressionism' got i...Ah, the art movement 'Impressionism' got its name from Monet's famous painting of a sunrise... hence the reference. Good catch that I didn't mention light again in the query... It's what he's obsessed with, so it is important.<br /><br />Thanks for your other comments, definitely gives me things to think about. I haven't figured out whether he can actually 'saveϨth.monkeyhttps://www.blogger.com/profile/16835988128285459745noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3499819998811995494.post-57000454461328495072014-12-06T22:30:56.697-08:002014-12-06T22:30:56.697-08:00*snort* you crack me up Alcar :)
She doesn't ...*snort* you crack me up Alcar :)<br /><br />She doesn't realize what's happening -> essentially, her soul (emotions) are being drained into the painting. <br /><br />And when you ask 'how he convinced her to do that', are you asking about the blackmail? Don't worry, she does properly agree... he isn't holding her hostage or anything :)1000th.monkeyhttps://www.blogger.com/profile/16835988128285459745noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3499819998811995494.post-59687943735909106142014-12-06T19:48:14.727-08:002014-12-06T19:48:14.727-08:00Hi there!
I like your story concept, and for a WIP...Hi there!<br />I like your story concept, and for a WIP I thinks it's quite well developed. My only comment is that I didn't get a strong sense of the magical element. After reading your query for the 2nd time, I saw a hint of it in the middle of your query, but it didn't jump out at me. If magic is a important element of your story, than I would suggest making that clearer in your Anonymousnoreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3499819998811995494.post-16588409496814288352014-12-06T12:17:59.879-08:002014-12-06T12:17:59.879-08:00As an artist this had me interested and as a reade...As an artist this had me interested and as a reader I was intrigued by the concept. <br /><br />However, the first ½ of the QL reads a little like a synopsis. Now, given the topic/theme, I was OK with that as you were trying to establish a time/place/scene – but a lot of people would not be so I would suggest shaving this back a little.<br /><br />Even so, the second half had me wanting and Anonymoushttps://www.blogger.com/profile/09614043791335176864noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3499819998811995494.post-47275804380803149122014-12-04T18:42:31.721-08:002014-12-04T18:42:31.721-08:00Wow. This query had my heart racing. I’d definitel...Wow. This query had my heart racing. I’d definitely flip to the pages to see if they capture the same sense of thrill! Just a few suggestion to help it shine even more:<br /><br />- As much as I loved the query overall, I’m not sure I understood the first sentence. At least, I don’t get how Jay’s obsession with light has to do with his desire to capture the reflective ripple of scar tissue. I’d Ashley Hearnhttps://www.blogger.com/profile/02180884790511352942noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3499819998811995494.post-20130638159244240042014-12-04T18:17:10.806-08:002014-12-04T18:17:10.806-08:00"Hiii!" *Jay waves back* "I'm a..."Hiii!" *Jay waves back* "I'm a Jay too but I'm not famous at all becauthe I don't want to be and I think you're doing a really meany binding and you need to stop it. Duh. Humans always make things complicated when they're not at all!"<br /><br />... also, I am quite curious HOW he convinced her to do that .... and if she realizes what is happening to her alcarhttps://www.blogger.com/profile/14929849073911012353noreply@blogger.com